The End of the World As We Know It

Or: Olivia's Birth Story.

Well, the beginning of it anyways.

I have to make a confession: I don't like reading birth stories. Most of the time, they are filled with way too many uninteresting details and since I have the attention span of a monkey on crack, I cannot finish reading loooooooong birth story post.

So that is why I put off and put off writing a blog post. Because I know that nobody cares what time I got an IV (7 O'Clock) or what I was wearing when I found out I was in labor (clothes. I was wearing clothes). But I am going to post it because I've gotten a bunch of emails (14) and a few comments (3 or 4?) asking me to post it.

On Thursday the 12th, I woke up to a...gush. (Or, what felt like a gush until they broke my water at the hospital and I learned what a GUSH really feels like!) I had fluid and mucous all down my leg. One of my favorite ways to wake up? Is to slime on my leg. Delicious.

Now. The responsible thing to do would be to call your OB and see what they think. That would be the responsible thing. The Uber Pregnant Jen, however, decided that she should wait until after her highlight appointment to call the doctor. Because what if they made me go to labor and delivery? What about my hair? ROOTS! GAH!

After my highlights, I called the OB. They sent me to labor and delivery. My hair looked awesome.

It turns out that I didn't leak amniotic fluid, so after 3 hours I was sent on my way. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.

The next day, FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH, I had my 38 week appointment. I planned to argue with Sexy Suzie (my hot OB) because I didn't want to be induced. We had our ultrasound first, then we went into the room for my weekly nonstress test. The NST was perfect as always, and the baby was measuring at 6 pounds 12 ounces. Gestational Diabetes my ass!

The nurse came in to take my blood pressure. I was sad in the first place because my favorite nurse wasn't there, and instead we had to talk to Snaggle Tooth Nurse who goes on and on and on about the most ridiculous things before she does what she needs to do. And I'm not sure if you heard? But I'm impatient and slightly bitchy at all times. So she annoyed me.

Anyway. The blood pressure. She took it, said, "Hmmm..." and walked out of the room to get the doctor.

Shit.

You figure it's pretty bad if they don't even tell you what it is, right? It had been creeping up every week, and I was pretty swollen, but they didn't seem concerned until now.

Sexy Suzie came in and said that I had to go to Labor and Delivery AGAIN and have my BP monitored. If it didn't go down, I would be induced that night. If it did, I was to go in on Tuesday the 17th to be induced. Just to dig the dagger in a bit deeper, she said that she was going to let me go until my due date until my blood pressure was so high.

Shit.

I didn't ask what it was. Because the whole thing was scary and I just figured I'd go to L&D again and come home late again. But we did go home and get my bag just in case.

Good thing!

My blood pressure did come down, but my cervix and uterus, those tricky bitches, had different plans. I was having contractions and dilating on my own!

The one thing I always wanted to know and could never get a good answer - What do contractions feel like and how bad do they hurt? And my answer is: Meh. I didn't really realize I was even having contractions, I just thought I was kind of crampy. Like, I was going to get my period in a few days. Of course, I have been known to curl up into a useless ball of painful cramps during my periods. So you and I might have different points of reference.

Also? I got an epidural. Because any time pain is unnecessary? I avoid it. Call me crazy.

Upon hearing the news that I was in labor, my very first thought was: I am so glad I ate that Chicken Tender Melt from Perkins for lunch. I'm sentimental like that.

After calling the parentals to let them know, we were whisked off to a labor room, I was hooked up to an IV, and all we had to do was waaaaaaaait. And TEXT. I think I sent and received eleventy thousand texts that night.

My nurse?? Was...interesting.

She looked exactly like this:



Except she was wearing scrubs.


You know when you go to the bank? And you get stuck with the new teller, who has someone looking over her shoulder and saying things like, "make sure the ones don't stick together!" And you're all Sonofabitch This Always Happens To Me? And you watch all the other lines disappear before you even get started?

That's kind of how it was in Labor and Delivery. I had the new nurse, who had old nurses looking over her shoulder and questioning her constantly.

Except I was at the hospital and instead of dollars we were dealing in vagina.

(I will finish soon. I have to get ready to go see Chelsea Handler tonight. I hope Chuy is there...)