At first, I thought it was gas. For like, 3 days, I kept thinking "My GOD I am filled to the brim with methane!" But then I thought about it, and I realized that I couldn't remember farting at all for the past week despite all the rumbling in my abdominal bulge area.
Hmmmm...
So I shut up and didn't tell anyone that I was feeling the baby, because I wasn't sure and I didn't want to be the girl who cried quickening when I really just needed a Gas-X and a lot of water. I didn't want to confuse the baby with the proverbial butt trumpet.
But it is definitely the baby, who loves when I drink pop and eat anything.
I think the main confusion was that I was waiting for "flutters." Like, butterflies. But the baby feels more like popcorn popping in my ute - like a fury of little tiny thumps. Like: thump, thump, thumpthumpthump gimme more caesar salad NOW NOW NOW KTHXBYE thump. (I have eaten caesar salads at lunch for three weeks straight. Yum.)
BUMPWATCH: like Baywatch, but less...stupid.
16 Weeks - still at 5 pound weight gain.
17 Weeks - also, still 5 pound weight gain.
Two people have been so bold as to look at my stomach and then ask me about my pregnancy.
The douche at GNC who tried to sell me sports vitamins after I repeatedly told him that, no my husband doesn't work out, lift weights, do cardio, and no he does not have a physically demanding job. Just ring up these Mega Mens for healthy sperm and shut your fucking YAPPER! But no - he went to another sales pitch - What kind of vitamins are you taking, prenatals?
I should've said no, I'm just chubby you bastard. Have any diet pills? Or maybe a side of beef?
A client at work looked at my belly, then said, "When are you due?" When I said February, she cocked her head and said, "Oh, congratulations!" The text bubble that appeared above her head said, "Jesus Christ! You look 8 months pregnant! Lay off the Hostess products!" In my mind, I popped the bubble with my hang nail and told her to kiss my lumpy ass. In reality, I said hey! Thanks!
I sort of wish I had some Hostess products right now...
Other ridiculous things happened this week - I am pretty sure I offended a blind man, my entire left side fell asleep after I slept in my car on my lunch break and a ball scratcher offered to help me inside, and I made a fertile pregnant lady think I was crazy with my attention to pregnancy detail. I also drooled chocolate pop tart all down the front of my white sweater as soon as I got to work. Maybe I'll update again this week - I'm sure you can't live without those details.
19 comments:
Ah thank you, I needed this little pick me up this evening.
I described the first movements by tapping Matt with my fingernail and saying "it feels like that but with tiny fingers." The butterfly thing threw me off too.
Yes, I need those details. Also, some Hostess products.
Dear Jen's Belly,
You have good taste. Ceasar salad is yum! And um... you are cute and I envy you.
My husband still gets the Mega Men too. Pretty much in the hopes that the sperm will wake up and pay attention.
No, I definitely can't live without those details. Wake your halves up and let us know!
I just love reading these posts. You can tell something is going on there but I do not feel that I would be so bold as to ask. Such cuteness. I would say that 5 lbs is great for weight gain.
Yeah!!! Baby movement!! THat is great!!
Mmmm. Popcorn.
So cute.
Yeah, those first moments do not feel like you went down a hill real fast - no butterflies at all. Definitely a lot of tapping and "Um, excuse me, excuse me. Um, excuse me. Gimme some macaroni and cheese, please!".
Congrats on feeling the little tapper!
Silly girl, you said "pop"! I'm surprised people haven't jumped all over you and yelled, "It's soda! GAH! Stupid Mid-Westerner!"
Soon you'll be able to do party tricks and let people watch the baby kick the crap out of your stomach. Just wait until you hear them groan, "Eww! Gross!" It makes you feel so special.
Jen- I have just dicovered your blog, but I am already hooked! Your wit is so refreshing...and I loved the part about half of you being asleep after napping in the car! Thanks for the pick me up from someone else who is adventuring in infertility and moron mamnagment!
It's COKE if you're from the South. Get it straight ya'll!!!
Great belly shots. Just 5lbs?
That is bold of people to ask, even if you are showing - I never ask because I am too scared to make a mistake!
Nice belly shots!
nope can't live without them!! ha ha
you are looking fab! No where near 8 months pregnant looking. I think you will laugh at this post when you are 8 months pregnant and say "What the hell was I talking about, I look like a girl with a gas bump there!"
I'm definitely seeing your bump grow! Even though they are subtle changes, you can tell. Can't wait for you to find out the sex (if you decide to). When's the big u/s?
I am sure you already know this but just wanted to make sure you are eating the bottled kind of caesar dressing and not fresh caesar since it has raw egg in it. I know it seems like a stupid question, but when I was preggo I was a complete freak about stuff like that (and deli meat, and fish, etc.).
Screw the GNC prick and the head cocker!! How rude. But then again, you've earned the right to flaunt your pg belly, so if I were you I'd just go everywhere in a bare midruff. And a Hostess in hand. Now THAT'S a pretty sight.
"I also drooled chocolate pop tart all down the front of my white sweater as soon as I got to work."
Bwahahaha!! I almost spit my coffee when I read this!
Just started reading your blog. Congrats!!! It sounds like you are enjoying your pregnancy with a dose of humor and from what I have gone through so far, that is the only way to go.
I first felt mine at 16wks. No mistaking that Lil'alien inside!
I worked for Hostess when I was pregnant with my son. The thought of eating our product made me so sick I only gained 15lbs. To this day I gag at the Hostess thought. Thank God Crispy Creme wasn't around!
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