Most Obnoxious Facebook Offenders

It seems like people all get annoyed by the same things on Facebook.  And yet there are still enough people being totally obnoxious that we can all sympathize with each other and celebrate the ever fantastic Hide function.

The problem is that you can't complain about it ON Facebook without offending the delicate little flowers who are the biggest offenders.  Who needs that drama?  (Some people live on that drama, but not you!  Definitely not you!)  So I am doing everyone a solid and making a list of shit that you need to immediately stop doing on Facebook.  Feel free to share with all of your obnoxious Facebook friends so that they can blame me for being bitchy instead of you.

Offender: The Cliche Whore

Example: I have the most amazing husband/wife/kids and I can't picture my perfect life without them, blah blah blah you compleeeeeete meeeeee.

I assumed that it was some deep character flaw that fed my pure hatred for the thankful November posts and other mushy love posts.  I mean, what kind of asshole is annoyed with people who are so deeply pleased with their lives that they feel the need to post cliches every day to prove that they are just ZOMG SO HAPPY?  Why do I care?

But I do care and I am not alone.  From the Maybe If You Just Relax Facebook page:

"Over the top fake happy my-life-is-perfect posting!"
"Thankful November.  WGAS!"
"When couples post 'I LOVE MY WIFE/HUSBAND/PERFECT LOVE BIG HEARTS' bc you totally know they boned someone else the night before."

These posts just seem so insincere.  Why do you need to kiss your significant other's ass on a Facebook status?  Do you think someday your kids are going to read your old status and think they are way super loved?  I mean, unless you are in the middle of a flood Facebooking from your phone and writing that you are thankful for your canoe and flask of whiskey, it is all pretty pointless and barftastic.

Offender: The Vaguebooker

Example: This is the worst day of my life ever I can't take dis shit no mo.

Vaguebooking is the worst.  THE WORST.  A person posts some really vague status to indicate that some sort of drama has transpired but does not provide any information as to what. Or it is a post totally bitching about someone, except the offender doesn't have the balls to call the person out.  Or, you know, confront them in real life like a functional adult. 

Please get a little dignity, mkay?  Please do not beg for attention via social media.  If you are too embarrassed to flat out say whatever it is, then you should probably not post it on Facebook at all. 

Also, hey you!  You, who posts in the comments asking what is wrong?  Yes, I'm looking at you.  Knock it off, asshole.  You are enabling this bullshit and I do not appreciate it at all.  If you know what the problem is and you don't post it in the comments, you do not appear to be a closer friend.  You appear to be a giant douche canoe.

Offender: Tragedy/Sympathy Whoring

Example:  My cousin's neighbor's uncle's mother was in a horrible accident and I didn't know that she even existed until just now but my heart is just broken and...etc.

The tragedy/sympathy whore jumps on to someone else's bad news in order to gain sympathy.  You know, that person who all of a sudden has some kind of connection to someone as soon as they have some horrible shit happen?  And then they post all over Facebook about it in an attempt to gain sympathy.

It is fine to be upset by some major thing going on the the world, but quit trying to ride the coat tails of someone else's misery just to get attention or look like you are such an amazing friend.

--

This is going to be at least a three part series.  So many annoyances, so little time to blog.
Click here for Part Two: Most Egregious Facebook Offenses Continued