Cluck, Cluck, MOO!

Hot damn I'm behind on the whole blogging thing! My most sincere apologies. You see, I haven't really mastered the art of blogging while I sleep 23 hours a day. It's hard, because everything comes out like this:

f;adjna;iokjnerga;oekjgr'aszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I had my retrieval and already have had two fertilization reports! AND I do my transfer tomorrow! So get a beverage and a snack, this is going to be long.

First: The Retrieval

This? Is Xena Warrior Princess. She looks like the doctor who did my retrieval. I shall call her OLGA.



OLGA came in to introduce herself, and the only thing I understood through the thick, thick Arnold Schwarzeneggeresque accent was "I Dr. OLGA. I retrieve zee eggs."

So after much smiling and nodding and not understanding, I headed back to the retrieval room. This is an interesting experience, because you are put on a table with your arms straight out to the side like you're gearing up for a crucifiction. But for added pleasure, your legs are also strapped on to giant padded leg stirrups and your vagina is out there for the entire room of 10 to see. I'd like to think that's OK because I have a really nice vagina.

At my IVF #1 retrieval, I went into the room and was knocked out as soon as I was situated. I don't remember much, except saying that I couldn't focus because I didn't realize that they had started the IV. Then I woke up to Mark and my mom in the recovery room.

This time? Well. I was awake for a long, long time. Which means I was awake after Dr. OLGA said, "Now, I clean zee vaginal cavity."


If anyone thinks that cleaning zee vaginal cavity sounds a little bit like, oh I don't know, HELL? You'd be right.

OLGA takes a long, metal skewer (probably from her grilling kit at home) and attaches gauze soaked in cleanser. I need to ask you a question right now: have you ever seen a liposuction video? Where they jam that sucker thing in and out of the person's flesh and you're all "OW that looks really rough and horrible!" Have you ever seen that?

That is how OLGA cleans zee vaginal cavity. With 4 long skewers and sterile gauze, jammed in and out of zee vaginal cavity while she talked about the details of her son's graduation. It wasn't zee Xena Warrior Princess sword, but it felt like it!

I was so annoyed. By the time she took out the 4th skewer, I was yelling, "OH MY GOD CAN I JUST BE KNOCKED OUT FOR THIS?!!" OLGA's reply? "Iz almost finish." Of course, two seconds later, I was knocked out. Damn.

The end result was awesome: 21 eggs retrieved!!
Jennepper = Best Hen EVER!
So somewhat worth the pain of zee vaginal cleansing. And now my vagina is so clean you could eat out of it! You know, if you ever felt compelled to do so.


So maybe the Duggars have 18 kids, but I had 21 eggs! So suck it, Mrs. Fertile Duggar! (And if the Duggars cousin is reading? The one who left me a comment? I'm freaking kidding so take a joke. Damn.)

Next: 1st Fertilization Report

On Friday, I got the news that out of the 21 eggs retrieved, 17 of them were mature and 16 of them fertilized. This is great news!

For my first IVF, I had 13 eggs retrieved, and 11 that were mature and fertilized. So this time we're starting out with a lot more embryos to choose from.

What they do is just put them back into the fake uterus incubator thingamajigger until the next day.

Finally: The Second Fertilization Report
Today.

I found out that of the 16 that fertilized, 12 are on track at between 2 and 4 cell. Three more aren't quite there yet, but are looking hopeful and are still being monitored. They may or may not catch up, but I'm still thrilled with 12!

Transfer will be tomorrow (Sunday).

Right now, I'm feeling really sore and totally bloated. I look 4 months pregnant. People are going to start asking questions. I look and feel like a total cow.
I completely expect to grow udders any day now.
At least we'd save on milk...

Nosy Neighbor: the Sequel!

Good News: I am triggered!

 

But first, a Memorial Day tale of woe, since I am behind on my updating. Damn Conceive magazine, getting me all off track and whatnot...

 

Anyway, our city has the teeny-ist, most sad little Memorial Day parade. The parade goes right by our house since we live on one of the main roads. Every year we sit on the porch and watch, and every year we shake our heads and say, "We'll never get those 15 minutes back, will we?"

 

Maybe you've been reading long enough to remember the nosy neighbor situation? (If not, click here) Well, we have another set of neighbors with kids, and I haven't yet had the pleasure of laying down the proverbial INFERTILITY SMACKDOWN on this neighbor. I came close once when he made a point of calling us Dinks*, and then winking and saying, "but not for long, right?"

 

Dink guy told me last year that they were going to try to get pregnant in the spring, and they must have been successful because they had a baby in February. We hadn't yet met the new baby. Until Memorial Day.

 

We're sitting outside waiting for the parade, and our neighbors with kids are all sitting together at the end of the driveway next door. Dink guy comes out with the new baby in a stroller.

He looks over at us.

He waves.

He starts to walk over.

Fuuuuuck…..

I tried to scare him away with a sheer look of HORROR. NO! Don't make me look at your baby! Just don't.

But he does, and it goes a little something like this:

 

Dink Guy: Well, I thought you'd like to meet our newest addition.

Jen: Oh, yes, I'd love to meet your new addition.

DG: Well, here she is!

Jen: Yes, I see…and what is her name?

DG: Allison.

Jen: She's adorable. Thanks for bringing her over.

DG: Yeah, she's a real porker! Look at these thighs! (uncovers the most delicious chubby baby thighs)

Jen: Oh, very cute. (And I hate you, go away)

DG: Yeah, she's a handful. I've got two kids and I need a nap! hahaha!

Jen: Yes, you should go take a nap.

DG: Yeah, we're done. Two kids is enough. I'm done.

Jen: Yes, well, congratulations. On being done. Good luck with that.

DG: Yeah, you know, we never get to sleep.

Jen: Well, that's unfortunate.

Mark: (completely silent, probably hoping I don't kill him)

DG: Well now you guys just need to have some!

Jen: Yeahhh….(avoids eye contact so that DG can't see red devil eyes)

DG: You have the puppies, now you just need some babies!

Jen: Really.

DG: Yeah, when are you going to have some?

Jen: Never, probably.

DG: haha! Yeah, well, I was 31 when I had my first, so you have some time…

Jen: Yep, we have lots of time. (and if you say "yeah" one more time, I might kick you in the weiner.)

DG: Yeah, well, I better get over there for the parade.

Jen: Thank you, Jesus!

 

Good times. To make matters worse, the neighbor kids were so cute during the entire parade – yelling and cheering at every display that went by. I kept welling up and choking back tears the entire time, and for once? Was glad to be in a small town where the parade only lasts 15 minutes.

 

But hey? What's a holiday without a good cry, right?

 

Back to business: I triggered last night, and my retrieval is tomorrow (Thursday). I am ready. I'm uncomfortable and am experiencing all sorts of weird side effects (click here to read about that weirdness). Looks like I had about 12 mature follicles, and countless smaller follies that may or may not catch up. I'll post an update as soon as I'm up and around!

 

*DINK = Dual Income, No Kids. I hate this label. Mostly because I deign to be a Dink, but also because I called penises dinkies when I was little. So when someone calls me a dink, it feels like they are calling me a dick while simultaneously pointing out the fact that we have all kinds of money and no kids.