Nosy Neighbor: the Sequel!

Good News: I am triggered!

 

But first, a Memorial Day tale of woe, since I am behind on my updating. Damn Conceive magazine, getting me all off track and whatnot...

 

Anyway, our city has the teeny-ist, most sad little Memorial Day parade. The parade goes right by our house since we live on one of the main roads. Every year we sit on the porch and watch, and every year we shake our heads and say, "We'll never get those 15 minutes back, will we?"

 

Maybe you've been reading long enough to remember the nosy neighbor situation? (If not, click here) Well, we have another set of neighbors with kids, and I haven't yet had the pleasure of laying down the proverbial INFERTILITY SMACKDOWN on this neighbor. I came close once when he made a point of calling us Dinks*, and then winking and saying, "but not for long, right?"

 

Dink guy told me last year that they were going to try to get pregnant in the spring, and they must have been successful because they had a baby in February. We hadn't yet met the new baby. Until Memorial Day.

 

We're sitting outside waiting for the parade, and our neighbors with kids are all sitting together at the end of the driveway next door. Dink guy comes out with the new baby in a stroller.

He looks over at us.

He waves.

He starts to walk over.

Fuuuuuck…..

I tried to scare him away with a sheer look of HORROR. NO! Don't make me look at your baby! Just don't.

But he does, and it goes a little something like this:

 

Dink Guy: Well, I thought you'd like to meet our newest addition.

Jen: Oh, yes, I'd love to meet your new addition.

DG: Well, here she is!

Jen: Yes, I see…and what is her name?

DG: Allison.

Jen: She's adorable. Thanks for bringing her over.

DG: Yeah, she's a real porker! Look at these thighs! (uncovers the most delicious chubby baby thighs)

Jen: Oh, very cute. (And I hate you, go away)

DG: Yeah, she's a handful. I've got two kids and I need a nap! hahaha!

Jen: Yes, you should go take a nap.

DG: Yeah, we're done. Two kids is enough. I'm done.

Jen: Yes, well, congratulations. On being done. Good luck with that.

DG: Yeah, you know, we never get to sleep.

Jen: Well, that's unfortunate.

Mark: (completely silent, probably hoping I don't kill him)

DG: Well now you guys just need to have some!

Jen: Yeahhh….(avoids eye contact so that DG can't see red devil eyes)

DG: You have the puppies, now you just need some babies!

Jen: Really.

DG: Yeah, when are you going to have some?

Jen: Never, probably.

DG: haha! Yeah, well, I was 31 when I had my first, so you have some time…

Jen: Yep, we have lots of time. (and if you say "yeah" one more time, I might kick you in the weiner.)

DG: Yeah, well, I better get over there for the parade.

Jen: Thank you, Jesus!

 

Good times. To make matters worse, the neighbor kids were so cute during the entire parade – yelling and cheering at every display that went by. I kept welling up and choking back tears the entire time, and for once? Was glad to be in a small town where the parade only lasts 15 minutes.

 

But hey? What's a holiday without a good cry, right?

 

Back to business: I triggered last night, and my retrieval is tomorrow (Thursday). I am ready. I'm uncomfortable and am experiencing all sorts of weird side effects (click here to read about that weirdness). Looks like I had about 12 mature follicles, and countless smaller follies that may or may not catch up. I'll post an update as soon as I'm up and around!

 

*DINK = Dual Income, No Kids. I hate this label. Mostly because I deign to be a Dink, but also because I called penises dinkies when I was little. So when someone calls me a dink, it feels like they are calling me a dick while simultaneously pointing out the fact that we have all kinds of money and no kids.

It's Bump Day at Baskin Robbins

Dearest Baskin Robbins,

Today I see that you are honoring the bump babes. The ladies with big bellies. The expectant mommies.

 

How very nice of you.

 

Please excuse me if I am way off base here, but I suppose you are trying to target the hormonal and hungry? Am I right? Did a bunch of people meet in a room one day for a brainstorm session to bring traffic into your stores? And someone had the brilliant idea to plaster that adorable cartoon pregnant lady all over the Internets in the hope that the pregnant ladies would see it and think, "OH MY GOD MY BABY NEEDS BASKIN ROBBINS NOW! NOW! NOW!" And then maybe once she has your ice cream for free, she will continue to have cravings and spend $3 a day on delectable globs of your new soft serve?

 

Well, I'm no marketing mogul or anything like that. I didn't go to Harvard, but to a state school, and everyone knows that state schools will take most anyone with a pulse and cold hard cash, right? I have a business degree but if we're being honest with each other, Baskin Robbins, I don't know all that much about mass marketing.

 

However.

 

If you're targeting the hormonal and hungry? You are missing a HUGE section of the "Hormonal and Hungry" market. The Infertiles. We are the perfect target market for your sales schemery – we're not only hormonal and hungry – we're neurotic and emotional! Emotional EATERS! See where I'm going with this?

 

I'm not really sure how you would verify the whole infertile part. I mean, you could ask to see our horns and tails, or maybe require us to inject our meds at the counter before we get our free soft serve. Or maybe you could just tell by the smell of desperation when we walk in the door? I don't know, you can work out the details.

 

I look forward to Infertility Tuesday really soon. In the interim, I will be getting my ice cream from Dairy Queen, Coldstone, or from the freezer aisle at the grocery store. Or maybe I'll eat cookies. You can never tell. I'm unpredictable like that.

 

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. And if you'd like to pay me for this fantastic idea? I wouldn't object.

 

Best,

Jennepper

 

p.s. – I do have some ideas for the Infertility Tuesday Free Soft Serve campaign. Have your people call my people.

p.p.s – I don't have people. Call me directly.

p.p.p.s. – I have lots of other ideas. Preview: Menopausal Monday. (Call me.)

Egg Factory is a Go

I got my Clomid and HCG today!

I took the first Clomid an hour ago and guess what! I'm not crazy yet!

My internal ultrasound went fine - no cysts and my "uterus looks wonderful." That is what Dr. Fabulous said. I bet he wanted to say badass.

Clomid for five days, then on 11/11 I go in for an ultrasound to see how my follies are growing. If they are the right size, they will give me the HCG shot to make me ovulate. Inseminations are the two days following the HCG shot.

In other exciting news: I haven't *ahem* dropped the kids at the pool since Monday. My stomach is killing me - like a sharp pain every time I take a step. I am so bloated that someone at Target actually thought I was Jabba the Hut and asked for my autograph.

On Sunday I weighed myself, and on Wednesday I weighed 10 POUNDS MORE! I am so full of shit (literally) and gas and water that I gained 10 pounds. I even took a laxative and added Benefiber to my yogurt yesterday and today. I swear, I am about to go buy a tub of prunes and eat until I go.

Pray for a poo here soon, folks.

My Ovaries and Uterus are Badass.

I'm back from surgery! Sorry, no Grey's Anatomyish stories to tell. Although I was wondering if there were some interns in a closet getting it on Meredith and McDreamy-style...

Sunday night, I had to drink a 10 ounce bottle of Magnesium Citrate. Not good times for moi. I gagged the entire time and had to really not focus on throwing up because oh my god please don't make me drink any more of THAT! Blech.

I waited and waited and waited for the poo, but nothing happened. So I gave up and went to bed. At about 6 a.m. I woke up and thought "Wow, I feel crappy." Then I realized that I literally felt crappy. And then it happened: The assplosion. Just, wow.

The whole experience was not bad. At all. Never one to disappoint, I had a diva experience while getting my IV and passed out. The nurse was very sweet and used an alcohol swab around my nose instead of smelling salts, and that kept me alert. They had to try twice before finding a good vein, but once it was in I was A-OK.

The surgery was fine - I don't remember anything after I got in the operating room.

I woke up fine, no nausea because I asked for medication for that before the surgery (thanks, Sus). I was just super thirsty because I wasn't allowed to drink anything all day. I went to Eat N' Park and got a turkey sandwich and chicken noodle soup, and it was the best meal of my life! Or maybe I was just starving. Either way...

The rest of Monday night I pretty much just slept. Today I feel OK. My throat hurts from the tube they put in there, and my stomach is pretty sore. My chest feels like Starr Jones (pre gastric bypass) is sitting on it. But I really feel way better than anticipated.

Dr. Fabulous didn't find any endometriosis or anything that needed to be removed. So I basically did it for nothing, but I'm glad I did. It's worth the peace of mind. The only way to check for endometriosis is to have the surgery and I know I would always be worried that I had it.

Soooo that's it. I have to wait to get my period, then call and schedule a baseline ultrasound to make sure that I don't have any cysts. If I don't, then I can start taking clomid and we can do an IUI this month.

I'm not that kind of girl!

Tuesday, Dr. Fabulous did my follow-up ultrasound to make sure my cyst was gone. It was.

But excuse me if I can't help but feel like maybe he should get to know me a little better before he...well, gets in there with that thing! You know, take me out to dinner, or learn my favorite color, or ask me about my hopes and dreams.

Really, what is the difference between this lovely Pure Romance dildo and the internal ultrasound wand? Sure, you may say the ultrasound wand doesn't vibrate, but how do you know for sure? It might.



Turns out my hormones are fine. Fine fine fine. We are going to go ahead with the laparoscopic surgery on October 29 to check for endometriosis. I have my pre-op appointment on the 25th (I think), then they shall blow up my belly like a fat whale and get rid of the gunk inside. Great times.

Dr. Fabulous said that the average couple has a 20% chance each month of getting pregnant. Mark and I have a 5% chance (sperm issues, see below). Because of our decreased chance, he thinks that we can conceive naturally, but he thinks it could take about 5 years. No reason for us to wait that long, so we are going to move forward with some fertility treatments.

Now Mark's results, well, we've got an issue. Not a major issue, but still something we'll have to deal with. It turns out that Mark's morphology is a little off. Meaning, they're shaped funny and have a little bit of a hard time getting in the egg. We are going to try some vitamins and extra-healthy eating for the next two months to improve the morphology.













It might be the little hats they insist on wearing. And I think my eggs may be a little nervous about pirate sperm, given the immediate association with butt pirates and also the fear that the embryo will want to sport an eye patch and parrot.

I digress. The plan is for me to get the lap surgery, then try 3 IUI (Intra-uterine insemination) cycles with Clomid. He said our chances with Clomid and IUI are 20% each time, which puts us on pace with normal people. After three cycles: reevaluate.

Since I am a horrible lazy whore who is bad about giving updates, here is the information you will need to figure out what the hell I am talking about:

IUI - Intra-uterine insemination. The sperm are taken from Mark (by masturbation or fear tactics, whichever works) and washed, then put directly into my uterus with a catheter. Washing them weeds out the unhealthy sperm and gets rid of any debris in the seminal fluid. This is timed with my ovulation to up our chances of conceiving.

Clomid - a pill that I will take for a week at the beginning of my cycle to make my eggs grow. It helps to improve egg quality. Will make me feel crazy, fat and bitchy. Good times. 10% increase in the chance of conceiving twins, less than 1% chance of triplets.

hCG - a hormone that induces ovulation. I will be monitored by ultrasound to see when the Clomid has developed a few eggs. When I'm ready, I will get a shot of hCG to cause me to ovulate. Two days later, I will have the IUI done on back-to-back days.

Since you asked...

The jig is up. We've got some slightly defective reproductive plumbing. I think it's pretty obvious at this point, right?

So here is the deal.

When Mark and I got engaged, we discussed our future plans in great detail. You see, I am a planner, and I must plan even the most mundane minutiae of my life. We agreed that we would be ready to have a baby any time after the wedding since we had almost two years of shacking up logged before we were legal.

In October 2005, I stopped taking my birth control pill. It was giving me horrible migraines and I figured why not? I'd be trying to get pregnant soon enough. Plus, it's not like we were having premarital sex or anything...

From March 2006 until around September 2006, we were not taking any precautions. Normal couples who do not prevent pregnancy will become pregnant within six months. I started to worry. Not only were we not preventing, but I was actually timing our intercourse with ovulation. I mentioned it to my OBGYN at my annual pap, and he said that he knew I would be pregnant by spring, and if I wasn't, to come back and see him.

Of the couples under the age of 30 who do not become pregnant within 6 months, half of them will become pregnant within a year. Infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant in one year of unprotected sex.

In December, I decided to start charting my basal body temperature to time our baby-making efforts more accurately. I also started using ovulation prediction kits.

Our one year anniversary was bittersweet. It marked the first year of a happy marriage, but it also marked the dreaded day that we went from being normal to being infertile. For me, the challenge started a while ago. I don't know if it's really dawned on Mark yet, even now. I called to make an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist.

In May, we met with the endocrinologist, who was a total douche, and who I call Dr. Condescending. While we got no help or answers, he did order us a hysterosalpingogram and a semen analysis. My uterus is normally shaped and my tubes are clear. Mark's counts are all great, but the sample did have a high number of white blood cells, which is usually an indicator of a prostate infection.

Mark saw a urologist in June, who said he does not have a prostate infection. To eliminate the white blood cells in the semen, he prescribed Cipro and Motrin, for seven days starting at day 5 of my cycle for the next four months.

In August I decided to contact a different reproductive endocrinologist in order to preserve my sanity. So I met with Dr. Fabulous in September and got the action I was looking for. He ordered cycle day 3 blood work and another semen analysis. He said that we can move forward, we have waited long enough, and he will be aggressive with us.

So that's where we are. Waiting for semen analysis results and blood work results and a plan. I go back on Tuesday to get the results and to check on the cyst on my right ovary. And to see what is next.