Eight Months. And by eight I mean ate.

WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Olivia is eight months old. EIGHT.MONTHS. And full of The Cute. That picture was taken while Olivia was "winding down" for bed time.

Yes those are Christmas jammies, by the way. Because I was behind on laundry and so I thought, meh, nobody will see these jammies and ho ho ho who cares if its October. Then of course, Olivia starts with The Cute, and then with the I'm Going To Stand Up in My Crib Muahahahahaha Mom Your Life is Over.

Exhibit A: You're screwed, really. Oh, and also? Don't ever plan on putting away the laundry while the baby sleeps and can't see you over the bumper because that shit does.not.fly. I just can't even believe how fun Olivia is lately. I have so many things that I want to remember about her right now, and so yay yay yay bullet points!

(Why do people hate bullet points? I do not. Just so you know. If you do, then I'm sort of sorry, but not really, ya know?)

- The drama: it continues. This kid? SO DRAMATIC. She loves everything that is awful for her, meaning anything that carries an electric current or will fit down her throat. And if you take said death toy away? OH! Misery and WOE. WOE!

There is the lip pout, followed by the silent scream, followed by the massive gasp of air and then finally, beautifully, the Howl of Doom. Extra special treat if she is on her belly at the time. She will put her face flat on the floor and lay there and cry. Like, it is all too much for her to bear and so she just freaking gives up because what is the point of living if you cannot shove the medicine dropper down your throat?

When she gets ready to cry, she puts both hands on her head, or on her forehead. Like, "DOH! Woe!"

- Attention whore. She loves to flirt with strangers. We were at a wedding a couple weeks ago, and Olivia could not get enough of the people sitting at her table.

Proof: I will get you with my cuteness, and I will inevitably spit up all over your pretty pretty dress...

- She LOVES peekaboo - with a blanket, around the corner, from under the high chair - that cracks her up every single time.

- She is still doing the inchworm crawl. But her newest accomplishment is figuring out how to sit up on her own from a crawling position. She crawls, sits, looks around, crawls, sits...you get the idea.

(I stayed up until 9:45 last night trying to upload a video of this maneuver, which is, like, really really late for me. I never figured it out because it is possible that I am a moron. More than possible. Ok, it's definite - I am a moron and have no idea how to work my fancee video camera.)

(I could read the instructions, but I can't find them. Perhaps Olivia ate them? Like she tries to eat everything else, I'm sure she could shove an entire owners manual into her mouth.)

- Any time she is a crankster, I can make her laugh by saying, "What are you DOIN" in a deep man voice. Seriously. I can get a smile during the very worst melt down with that trick.

(Also, on above-mentioned video. I am awesome at blogging.)

- Still not a fan of the sippy cup. For drinking. She is, however, a fan of throwing the sippy cup on the floor and then looking down to see where it went, then yelling until I pick it up so that she can throw it on the floor and then look down to see where it went then yell until I pick it up this is the song that doesn't end it just goes on and on my frieeeeeeeeeends.

-We survived our first cold over the weekend. Olivia was a total snot monster with a fever and cough. And a sneeze. It was no fun, and we spent a number of hours sleeping in the chair with Olivia because she could not stay asleep laying down.

While I definitely did not enjoy Sick Baby behavior, I did love being able to lay with Olivia, because she never lets me hold her anymore. Too busy taking over the world and whatnot.

- We are officially OFF of Lexus formula. SUCK IT, ENFAMIL! SUCK IT HARD, REPEATEDLY! She's completely switched over to the Target brand formula that is a complete rip off of Enfamil Gentlease, and is $10 cheaper for a YOUGE can.

(Dear Target: You.Complete.Me.)

- I'm trying to introduce table foods but am afraid that mah baybee will choke. She did scarf down a pierogie last night, though, and seemed to love it. She likes puffs and yogurt puff thingys. What else should I give her? (Explain it to me like I'm in Kindergarten.)

Meh. Throwing this in, because who could be unhappy when looking at that? WHO?

Working vs. Staying at Home

So.

Some people with kids work. Some don't. Who cares, you say?

Well.

Apparently, a lot of people. And whichever side you find yourself on, you have no doubt felt the sting of a snarky comment from the other side of the fence.

You stay at home? Wow! You must have so much free time!
You go to work? Well, I'm not sure how you do it - I could never leave my kids with someone else.

I know I've been the "victim" of some comments that made me want to slash some tires. Like, YES I leave Olivia with a sitter and she sees her more than me on those days. YES I miss a lot of things. NO I don't really feel guilty and I don't care if you think that makes me sound shitty. NO I don't wish I could be at home. YES, I think you should promptly shove your opinions up your ass.

And, oh, I know it goes the other way, too. You threw away your education and career to just stay at home? I could never stay home, I would be too bored. I worked too hard to get where I am. As if you just gave up something great to sit around and watch Blues Clues all day.

Rude. Rude. Rude! Or...not? I don't know.

I think it really has to do with your audience and your delivery. Just like anything else. You can say something and mean one thing, and that person can take it a completely different way. Any way that you describe your choice, you are automatically giving reasons why the alternative is the lesser choice.

Why do I work? Because I would go crazy if I was at home all day. I would eat nonstop and I would watch TV, and I would probably make Target verrrrrry profitable. I need adult interaction. I WANT my paycheck and all the benefits associated with my job. So does that mean that I'm saying that stay at home moms don't want all of those things? Or that I think they just watch TV all day and shop and falalalalala?!

One point that came up was asking where a working mom takes her child. Which seems to be an innocuous question, but we all know that the delivery is everything. Let's say that I, as a working mom, ask another working mom, "Hey, where does your preshus baybee go during the day?" I'm sure that wouldn't come across as rude, but just as an inquiry.

But, how about someone who doesn't work? Who says something like, "Where does your preshus baybee GO during the day?" And you think, what the hell do you mean where does she go? Why, I leave her in her crib all day with a few bottles and a chainsaw! Duh!

Here's what I think about being a working mom: It's freaking hard. It's busy. When Olivia is awake, I spend every moment with her. I play with her, I feed her, I take way too many pictures of her. Here is my workday routine:

5 - 6 a.m. Wake, shower, COFFEE, dry hair, dress, makeup
6 - pack daycare bag, pack lunch, load car, walk the dogs
6 or 6:30 - Olivia wakes - change diaper, dress baby, give meds, bottle, play
7 - 8 leave for sitter, drive to work
8-4:30 work (M,W,F workout at lunch; T,Th run errands)
5 - pick up from sitter
5:30 get home, walk the dogs, feed Olivia and play, start dinner, bathe Olivia
6:30 put Olivia to bed
6:45 - 9 see Mark, finish and eat dinner, make bottles, set out clothes (me and Olivia), return emails/phone calls, run errands/pay bills/blog/whatever the hell else.
9 - bed.

Rinse. Repeat. And I am lucky enough to have a husband who cleans the entire house and helps with laundry and takes care of the yard. I can't imagine being single or having a lazy sloth of a husband.

I really don't care if people stay home or work. I also don't really care what people do all day when they stay home. I assume they do a LOT. When I am off for 3 or 4 days in a row, and I am with Olivia that whole time, I am EXHAUSTED. So I imagine it is exhausting to care for your child (children!) all day every day.

People say that they don't care - that they don't judge, do what's best for your family, puppies kittens rainbows. But the reality is that we DO judge each other.

I am not going to sit here and say that I haven't thought some really rude things from time to time. Not about a stay at home parent in general, but about particular situations. Like, if you can't pay your mortgage, but you still go on vacation and buy all the new Gymboree outfits because you had a coupon? I'm judging you.

And I find it really hard to believe that people don't take issue with working families - you know, the whole leaving your kid to be raised by other people thing. Because if I REALLY wanted to stay at home with Olivia, we could make some serious lifestyle changes and make it work. But I don't want that, and I guarantee that there are a lot of Internetters out there calling me selfish.

Tell me, my dear Internet friends. What do you think?

(Don't be assholey in my comments section, mkay?)

You know what's funny? Rugs.

Over the weekend, we went to Target to buy some new throw rugs for the kitchen.

Because someone peed on the old ones, and I don't want to throw anyone under the bus here, but it was either Baxter, Milo, or Mark. You can draw your own conclusions.

But we tried to wash the Pee Rugs and they got totally funky and misshapen. Kind of like my midsection - lumpy and puffy in weird places. And while that does blow a bit of a fatty, I am never really sad to have a valid excuse to spend more money than necessary at Target because Target is pretty much the wind beneath my wings (or flabby sides of arm beef if I'm going for accuracy).

So we go to Target and we strap Olivia into the cart like a big girl. Which, OMFG you guys! She sits up like big girl, the only certainty now is that she will achieve world domination very very soon! And so I say to Olivia, in a perfectly normal voice, "let's go get some rugs."

That statement totally cracked her shit up! Like, belly laughs. And she is not much of a belly laugher. Giggles, yes, but belly laughs are a rare treat usually reserved for times when I yelp from her pulling my hair or digging her fingernails into my nostril.

I kept saying Rugs during our 40 minute Target trip and she cracked up every single time. And later that night, after a nap and a delicious banana dinner, I scored a video of Mark saying Rugs and Olivia laughing. The next day, she was being grouchy before a nap, but would crack a huge grin any time I said Rugs.

Right now I'm in Florida on a business trip. Without Olivia - she's with daddy and grandma - and everytime I think of her laughing about Rugs, I get a huge grin. Which is nice for me, but impretty sure that people think I am high and I fully expect to be presented with a pee cup tomorrow morning.

It can't be Friday soon enough. RUGS!

7 Months: We're about to be in a world of trouble.

Do you see that? That! Right there? Is a baybee!
A BAYBEE WHO IS ABOUT TO CRAWAAAAALLLLLLL!
The only problem is that her arms? Have not gotten the memo. She does more of an inchworm move. Across the room. To try to put dog toys in her mouth.
Oh...boy.

The past few weeks have just been out of control. As in, we can no longer control this baybee! This...person! She is getting opinions - like, I don't want green beans GIMMEH MANGO!

And I have to be all NO! YOU CANNOT HAVA THA MANGO!
(And then I slap my ass, because obviously.)

This baybee? Is finally crossing the threshold of being smarter than the dogs.


The dogs? Just hope that we drop some of those green beans. Or mangoes. Or turds, whatever, they'll eat anything.


Olivia lurves her some jumperoo. She gets in there and jumps (in a jumperoo - shocker!!) and yells and plays.

She giggles.
She talks. She says amazing things, like:
GAAAAAAAAH! gagagagagagagaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
Haaaaaiiiiiiii*
BA! BA! BA! .....................BA!
Geeeeeeeee.

She plays in her crib, and whines when she's ready to come out. If you stand out of her sight, you can watch her yell, then get really quiet and poke her head up to see if anyone came.

Just this week she started handing us her toys. Like, "here, slobber on this!" And then she smiles and takes it back. Rinse, repeat.

The most fun thing to do EVAH! is bang things together.
Except when you bang things together like your smooshy preshus baybee face and your giant plastic flower...then that is the worst thing EVAH!

No! Wait! The boogie sucker is the worst thing EVAH! I know this because we had our first cold. But thanks to the fountain of snot, we learned that Olivia can sit up by herself like a big girl. You know, because she sneezed a giant wad of snot onto her face, and I had to run and get a tissue. She sat up an watched me leave and come back.

Which was pointless because everyone knows the snot just ended up on my hand anyway because little preshus turned her head as soon as I came at her with a tissue.
Is that drool on her chin? Or snot? You just can't tell until you touch it.


We got the green light to try to reintroduce dairy. So we're slowly sneaking in some Gentlease - or, more accurately, the dirt cheap Target ripoff.
Cost of 24 ounces of powder Enfamil Nutramigen AA Lipil? $78
Cost of 24 ounces of Target Gentlease Ripoff? $12
What will I do with all that extra money?
Roll around in it naked because obviously.

She is the best way to start and end a day. Naked money rolling or not.

*Would you totally make fun of me if I told you that Olivia has been saying "Hai" for a month? Like, hi. When you go to get her up from a nap, or when someone comes home.
If you would totally make fun of me: She does not to that.
If you would not totally make fun of me: She says HAI! I swearz!

And so now I call her Stinkfinger.

I should know better than to proclaim how great everything is. Mah baybee is easy, and blah blah blaaaaaaaah.

Yes, last Thursday I put Olivia to bed and then wrote a smug, lame little entry about how fantastic everything is and how much easier my life is than yours. And then I watched some TV and probably ate, because I love to eat and can't stop doing so even though my pants recently had the police come to my house and try to arrest me because they just couldn't stand being held hostage by my oppressive girth. But I sat down and my stomach roll smothered my pants to death and so it was all OK, no jail.

Anyway. After I put her to bed, I was thinking that I should have cut her fingernails because they were really long. Like, long enough that I thought about maybe dressing her in a red and gray sweater and fedora.

Ah well. I'll cut 'em tomorrow night.

The next morning, Olivia woke up with a...gift for me? In her diaper? It wasn't even mother's day or my birthday or anything!

Changing Olivia is like a wrestling match lately. She wants to ROLL OVER! And CRAWL(ish) AWAY! And EAT WHATEVER IS NEARBY! And shove her foot in my face for some NOM! Sometimes it is amusing, and sometimes it is.not.amusing. There is just no telling which way she will go or what exactly she will do.

Like, who knows? Maybe she will reach down into her poopy diaper at the exact same time that you open it, and come up with four Freddy Krueger fingernails full of poo?!

Or, she will DEFINITELY reach down into her poopy diaper at the exact same time that you open it, and come up with four Freddy Krueger fingernails full of poo!!!

So I am all dressed for work, ready to head out the door to the sitter, and I have to take a break to dig poo out of Olivia's long fingernails. And one might think that is easy, except that she really really really REALLY! wanted to put those poopy fingers in her mouth. In my mouth. In her eye. In my eye. Etcetera, ad nauseum, woe.

And so now I call her Stinkfinger.

It is amazing what comes up on Google Images when you search "stinkfinger."
And by amazing, I mean freaking disgusting.
But this was my favorite:


(No political agenda behind this photo, by the way, so don't bother commenting about how Democrats eat babies or Republicans hump kittens.)
(Unless you are being funny and not assholey, then go ahead.)

Tell me your favorites.

I was just discussing my blog with Mark, and we decided that I am boring right now. I asked him what I should write about, and he looked around the kitchen and then suggested that I write about a blanket. So he is a bevvy of ideas, clearly.

It's all Olivia's fault, really. If you want to blame someone for the suckage of this blog, blame her. When she isn't having horrid reflux, or dangling from her crib, or shitting on someone's floor? Well, I really have nothing interesting to say.

If I can't write about shit, near-death experiences, or vomit, what can I write about, ya know?

Olivia is great right now. Adorable, fun, easy(ish), growing like a weed yet still looking like a 3 month old at almost 7 months. Work is good. Marriage is good. My ass is too fat for all of my pants, but I have a Bella Band so whatever.

(The good news: now that I've told you how good everything is, it is all bound to go to hell. So yay! Blog fodder!)

Ugh. If you haven't clicked away already, which you should have because this post is awful and boring...

Tell me - what are you reading these days? Blogs, I mean. I purged a lot of things from my Google Reader recently. And by a lot, I mean that I went from 304 subscriptions to 27.

First comes sippy cup, then comes drivers license.

We had our 6 month well visit last week. And while I feel like Olivia is a Giant Godzilla Baybee, she clearly is not. Like, people probably think we don't feed her in an attempt to force her into some sort of sick babyrexia so that she will be skinny.

13 lb. 5 oz (5th percentile) and 25 inches (20th percentile).

The pediatrician declared her to be perfect! In every way! And OMFG is she strong, whoa holy crap she is about crawl! And, hey, by the way, have you considered starting her on a sippy cup?

Whaaaa?

What the pediatrician said:
Well, now that she can sit assisted, you could give her some formula or water in a sippy cup and let her get the hang of it. Don't get the ones with the flow restriction so that she can get some liquid without sucking. Just let her give it a try.

What I heard:
Well, why don't you just give her your keys and let her try driving the car? Not on the road or anything, just maybe in the parking lot or something. Just so she can get the hang of it.

I mean, HOLY FREAKING HELL! She is a wittle baybee. And now I'm supposed to give her a cup? Then I come to find out that other, better mothers started their kids out on sippy cups at FOUR months and so now I'm just getting ready to call the 800 number to order Hooked on Phonics because I have clearly (clearly!) started a delay of epic proportions.

She can't use a cup yet and she will never REEEEAAAD! Woe!

Dear Internet,
When did you start your preshus(es) on the sippy?
And which do you recommend to start?
Much Love,
Jennepper.

6 Months: Holy Crap

It seems that I forgot to do a five month post.

I've been busy. You know, enjoying Olivia, of course. And other stuff. Like maybe developing a giant crush on a reality TV contestant? Or not. I'm just throwing things out there.

(Is Mark jealous? Ummm...no.

But anyway, mah baybee is SIX MONTHS OLD! Six! Months!

Every day she does something new and adorable. And really? Even if I want to be in a bad mood? I can't. She makes me happy.

In the interest of getting this post done already, GAHD I've been trying to write it for a week, here is a random list of stuff that I never want to forget about Olivia right now:

- When she is tired, she plays with her right ear. Before bed, we rock in her chair with a bottle, and she plays with her ear while she eats. When she's done, she does a giant "I'm over it" sigh and puts her left arm over her eyes. EVERY NIGHT.

- She totally knows her name. I'm not sure when this really happened, but if you say it, she whips her head around and is all, what? I'm playing mom leave me alone!

- Repetition cracks her ass up. (heh...that's a stupid sentence. But I'm leaving it.)

- When she is excited or mad, she kicks her legs. If I am holding her, it looks like she is trying to run. On weeknights, when Mark gets home, she smiles and kicks her legs.

- My mom taught her to fake cough. She coughs and gives you the flirt eye. If you cough, she does a giant smile. This is so cute to me. Except last week the sitter called to tell me that Olivia had a bit of a cough...so maybe it's not cute to everyone.

- She goes to sleep so easily. We put her down awake with her blanket, and she talks herself to sleep. What a difference a month makes in the sleep department!

- She wants to be everywhere except where she is. She will fling her body in the general direction of anything that sparks her interest. She's either curious or has a death wish.

- Stranger danger has set in. She seems to be OK if someone is holding her when we are NOT around. But if she can see us, she lasts about 30 seconds before doing a giant pout face and starting a very dramatic Woe Is Me cry.

- She is a total drama queen when she cries. First, big pout lip. Then, noises of dismay - usually "ahgeeeee...geeee...aaaaageeeee....WAAAHHH!" See Exhibit A:

Pout Lip: Pick Me Up or Pay the Consequences.


In her defense, that fake grass was ridiculous.

We took her for her 6 month photos over the weekend. I could post a bazillion, but here's a few:





I always thought fake scenery was tacky. Until you put Mah Baybee in front of it. Then it's just: AWE! MAH BAYBEE AT THA BEEEEEECH!

(this was about 2 seconds before she tried to eat that entire prop in one NOM.)


As promised, a poop story...

We went to visit a friend who just had a smooshy little baybee boy. Olivia was on her best behavior, even after we got lost and ended up being in the car for 2 hours. Took a nap in a strange crib, entertained herself while we talked. It was great.

She was eating her last bottle before hitting the road, and she did the Grunts of Doom - poop for sure. So I picked her up and took my perfectly well behaved baybee over to the pack and play.

And then Someone says, "Is that what I think it is?"

And I turn around and see that one of the dogs has shit on the floor. EW! GAG! GROSSAROO!

And then Someone says, "Did the baby shit on the floor?"

And I'm all NOOOO! Not mah baybee! While I look disdainfully at the dogs, trying to pass of their shit for mah baybee's shit. Stoopid dogs.

Then I go to take off Olivia's shorts.

AND THERE IS SHIT EVERYWHERE!

SHE SHAT ON THE FLOOR!

I shit you not, it looked exactly like this:


And then I died from embarrassment. I died and I'm writing this from beyond the grave. Mah baybee shat on someones floor.

But at least she is cute.

It wuz the dog, I swearz.


****

You can still win! I will pick the winner tomorrow!

Still givin', just not right here!

Our living room furniture...
Leaves much to be desired.

Look! Bachelor pad furniture disguised with a Cute Baybee in a hat that looks a little bit like a fedora!


Cute Baybee grabbing my face and saying, "OH MY GAH, MAH! Stop using a TV tray as your end table! You can't call it temporary from moving in when you have lived in the house for FIVE YEARS!"

This table was nice. When my mom gave it to me. Ten years ago. Olivia: "Is this table vintage or what?"


GEEEEEEEEEE! GAHHHHHHHHHH! (General yell of dissatisfaction.)


I really do (sort of) have a point.

I'm doing a giveaway ON MY FANCY NEW REVIEW BLOG.
If you commented on this post before the edit, you are still entered to win. But hell, if you want to enter again on MY FANCY NEW REVIEW BLOG, I'll give ya two chances.
I'll pick a winner on Tuesday, August 25.
So go on over.
It's fancy!*

p.s.- I promise not to get all blog promote-y on you. Just a giveaway for fun. I will resume with the regularly scheduled bitterness Thursday after mah baybee's SIX MONTH well visit with a story about poop. (See? All back to normal.)

*Eh, it's not fancy.

Edit: Sweet baby Jesus!
I think that I pushed an important part of my brain out while giving birth. Maybe it stuck to the placenta and they didn't realize?
Anyway. I have a review blog, yay!

Six Month Post Saturday? Kthxbye.

How to make your own baby food, you tree-hugging hippie freak.

I got this thing as a gift after I had Olivia.

It's the Beaba Babycook. It is so awesome that I didn't even know it existed. I didn't know it existed because I ride the culinary short bus.

I drive the culinary short bus.

So anyway, I got this Beaba Babycook as a gift and I was SO FREAKING EXCITED! And I kept thanking the person for the gift and saying, "I can't wait to use my Beaba! The Beaba is sooooo kewl! Thank you for my Beaba!"

Except I was saying Beaba like bee-ba.

Then my mom and I sat down to watch the how-to video on the Williams Sonoma site and within the first 10 seconds they say, "blah blah blah Bay-ah-bah babycook."

We laughed for no less than 15 minutes.
Moronepper.
I like to think that my bus is at least pimped with big tires so that I can run people over when they tell me how fertile I am right now.





I have told a bunch of people that I will write a post about making baby food, but in all honesty I am totally ripping this off from my friend Dana. Who does not have a blog but should because her no bullshit approach to everything rocks my world.

You will need something to puree the food (blender, food processor, BAY-AH-BA, etc), ice cube trays, and freezer bags.

I will use peaches as the example, because you can pretty much make everything the same way.

I bought 3 peaches.

Cut them up into cubes and boiled in a small amount of water until tender.

I took the peaches out and reserved the water.

Pureed the peaches to the right consistency - using the reserved water to thin it out. Younger baby = thinner.

Filled two ice cube trays with the peach puree. Covered in plastic wrap and froze.

After frozen, dipped bottom of trays in hot water to make the cubes easier to release. Placed a few cubes in a freezer bag marked with the date.

Voila!

When I was ready to use a cube, I took it out of the bag and microwaved it for 30 seconds.

So far, I've made green beans, peaches, and sweet potatoes.
I used organic frozen green beans and sweet potatoes.
I'm going to make butternut squash next.

A lot of people like Wholesome Baby food for ideas and recipes. Since I am normally wrangling a baby and using the Internet from my phone, I haven't had time to really look at the site.

Happy tree hugging!!

----
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