So cheerful, it's almost gross.

I had a wonderful day today!

I will save you the boring details, in case you are not interested in the excruciating bore that is my life: MY MEDS ARE COVERED!

$6,675 for IVF and that's it!

Now for the boring details.

I was in a good mood today.

If you're dealing with infertility, you know how great it is to have the fog clear for a day and to just feel good. And normal and happy.

I got to work and got a bunch of stuff done!
I cleared out my inbox and returned all of my emails!
I successfully dodged my boss for 4 hours!
I planned out our budget until July!
I made a very yummy spreadsheet with formulas and workbooks!*
I finished my Christmas shopping during my lunch break!

I was feeling good, productive...I was kicking ass. Not taking names. No time for taking names!

Then I checked my cell and had a message from the insurance billing coordinator** at the RE office. She called my insurance company to verify that my meds are covered and they are. THEY ARE! Yessssss <------ Napoleon Dynamite style. The one true flaw for the day is that I did not get to enjoy a Frosty. I have a coupon book for 10 free Frosties (right? the plural of...ah, fuck it). I made the mistake of going to Wendy's at 12:30.

I couldn't even pull into the parking lot and I almost wrecked into a total douche driving a Lexus SUV, smoking a cigarette, and yelling into a cell phone while driving like Nick Hogan.****

So I decide to park and go in, but when I get to the door, I find that the line is actually out the door and around the building. In 30 degree weather. Call me crazy, but I said screw the Frosty.

*Organization = Orgasm

**I have no idea how Dr. Fabulous runs his office because it is insanely busy and I can always get an appointment, and I never have to sit in the waiting room. However, he has all kinds of staff with different titles, all containing the word "coordinator." IVF Coordinator. Finance Coordinator. Insurance Billing Coordinator. Nurses Coordinator. Coordinators Coordinator?***

*** I'd like that job. I bet I could really coordinate all of the coordinators. I'd coordinate the shit out of them.

****I hate rich people. I should have let him hit me, then filed a law suit for damages in the amount of $6,675.

Oh, Hai....

What? Am I pregnant?

Ah hahahahahaha! No you silly goose! I am not, but thank you for asking.

Not only am I not pregnant, I am having the worst. Period. Ever.

And also - we need to do IVF.

See? I'm so much fun to be around these days! If you haven't been around me, you're missing out. I am a barrell of laughs. I have many interesting and funny and witty things to say, and people's eyes do not glaze over as I talk about ANOTHER setback in trying to just have a damn baby. I am so not bitter. I'm so happy for the million people I know right now who got pregnant after a few months of trying. I'm so excited for the holidays so I can see people who will all say the wrong thing. I can't wait to have to talk about our adventures in baby-making - because damn this is all so much fun! Wheeeeee!

You know how sometimes you get on an amusement park ride or roller coaster? And after about 30 seconds you just want to scream to the controller - "STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!"

That sums it up. I need a break.
And maybe copious amounts of alcohol.

Me? I'm PUPO!

PUPO = Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
Me = PUPO

We did our inseminations on Wednesday and Thursday this week. It was pretty painless.

The worst part was when Mark was singing all of the late 80s/early 90s songs on the intercom while I was laying down for 10 minutes afterward. While he does a great Gloria Estefan, I still hate to worry that all of the sperm will squirt out from my hysterical laughing.

Our counts were just OK on Wednesday - 10 million, 85% motile. The doctor said that would be considered average but 20 million is what you want to see.

Thursday, we had 20 million, 92% motile.

30 million sperm all in my body.
One of those fuc*ers better fertilize my egg!

Clomid is boring.

I was expecting to have a license to be a complete bitch. I was really looking forward to yelling at Mark for simply being a man. I wanted to feel the desire to claw someone's eye out.

No such luck. I have had no side effects at all. Woe is me.

Tomorrow is my ultrasound, and hopefully my shot! Then inseminations on Monday and Tuesday.

Boring, right?

Jabba's still in da hawse *updated*

I still haven't pooped.

The good news: I may or may not be growing a small continent in my bowel. I plan to connect it to California when it breaks off and floats out into the Pacific.

The bad news: Have morphed into a senior citizen who discusses bowel habits with any other adult who will listen. Am gross.

More bad news: There is a version of the Black Eyed Peas song "Where is the Love" going through my head, but instead of love it says poop. "Where is the poop? The poop? Where is the poop? Poop? Where is the poop; the poop; the poop?"

Again with the bad news: Actually said to Mark, "I am not going ANYWHERE until I take a shit! Any. Where!"

I lied. I went to Arabica to study. I got so excited because I had a GURGLE - I jumped up out of my seat, let the chair deafeningly scrape against the hardwood floor and hightailed it to the restroom.

The Women's room was occupied, but the Men's room was wide open. I briefly considered waiting like a rational 27 year old woman, but then went right into the Men's room.

I may have actually let out a squee of delight as I locked the door and sat down - finally! the poop! squee!

Sadly, no dice. Or poop. La saga continues.
Shit.

*Update*
I pooped! It was not all that I thought it would be. But it was a start.
I've never been so happy to take a crap in my entire life.

Egg Factory is a Go

I got my Clomid and HCG today!

I took the first Clomid an hour ago and guess what! I'm not crazy yet!

My internal ultrasound went fine - no cysts and my "uterus looks wonderful." That is what Dr. Fabulous said. I bet he wanted to say badass.

Clomid for five days, then on 11/11 I go in for an ultrasound to see how my follies are growing. If they are the right size, they will give me the HCG shot to make me ovulate. Inseminations are the two days following the HCG shot.

In other exciting news: I haven't *ahem* dropped the kids at the pool since Monday. My stomach is killing me - like a sharp pain every time I take a step. I am so bloated that someone at Target actually thought I was Jabba the Hut and asked for my autograph.

On Sunday I weighed myself, and on Wednesday I weighed 10 POUNDS MORE! I am so full of shit (literally) and gas and water that I gained 10 pounds. I even took a laxative and added Benefiber to my yogurt yesterday and today. I swear, I am about to go buy a tub of prunes and eat until I go.

Pray for a poo here soon, folks.