Friday, August 28, 2009

First comes sippy cup, then comes drivers license.

We had our 6 month well visit last week. And while I feel like Olivia is a Giant Godzilla Baybee, she clearly is not. Like, people probably think we don't feed her in an attempt to force her into some sort of sick babyrexia so that she will be skinny.

13 lb. 5 oz (5th percentile) and 25 inches (20th percentile).

The pediatrician declared her to be perfect! In every way! And OMFG is she strong, whoa holy crap she is about crawl! And, hey, by the way, have you considered starting her on a sippy cup?


What the pediatrician said:
Well, now that she can sit assisted, you could give her some formula or water in a sippy cup and let her get the hang of it. Don't get the ones with the flow restriction so that she can get some liquid without sucking. Just let her give it a try.

What I heard:
Well, why don't you just give her your keys and let her try driving the car? Not on the road or anything, just maybe in the parking lot or something. Just so she can get the hang of it.

I mean, HOLY FREAKING HELL! She is a wittle baybee. And now I'm supposed to give her a cup? Then I come to find out that other, better mothers started their kids out on sippy cups at FOUR months and so now I'm just getting ready to call the 800 number to order Hooked on Phonics because I have clearly (clearly!) started a delay of epic proportions.

She can't use a cup yet and she will never REEEEAAAD! Woe!

Dear Internet,
When did you start your preshus(es) on the sippy?
And which do you recommend to start?
Much Love,

Monday, August 24, 2009

6 Months: Holy Crap

It seems that I forgot to do a five month post.

I've been busy. You know, enjoying Olivia, of course. And other stuff. Like maybe developing a giant crush on a reality TV contestant? Or not. I'm just throwing things out there.

(Is Mark jealous?

But anyway, mah baybee is SIX MONTHS OLD! Six! Months!

Every day she does something new and adorable. And really? Even if I want to be in a bad mood? I can't. She makes me happy.

In the interest of getting this post done already, GAHD I've been trying to write it for a week, here is a random list of stuff that I never want to forget about Olivia right now:

- When she is tired, she plays with her right ear. Before bed, we rock in her chair with a bottle, and she plays with her ear while she eats. When she's done, she does a giant "I'm over it" sigh and puts her left arm over her eyes. EVERY NIGHT.

- She totally knows her name. I'm not sure when this really happened, but if you say it, she whips her head around and is all, what? I'm playing mom leave me alone!

- Repetition cracks her ass up. (heh...that's a stupid sentence. But I'm leaving it.)

- When she is excited or mad, she kicks her legs. If I am holding her, it looks like she is trying to run. On weeknights, when Mark gets home, she smiles and kicks her legs.

- My mom taught her to fake cough. She coughs and gives you the flirt eye. If you cough, she does a giant smile. This is so cute to me. Except last week the sitter called to tell me that Olivia had a bit of a maybe it's not cute to everyone.

- She goes to sleep so easily. We put her down awake with her blanket, and she talks herself to sleep. What a difference a month makes in the sleep department!

- She wants to be everywhere except where she is. She will fling her body in the general direction of anything that sparks her interest. She's either curious or has a death wish.

- Stranger danger has set in. She seems to be OK if someone is holding her when we are NOT around. But if she can see us, she lasts about 30 seconds before doing a giant pout face and starting a very dramatic Woe Is Me cry.

- She is a total drama queen when she cries. First, big pout lip. Then, noises of dismay - usually "ahgeeeee...geeee...aaaaageeeee....WAAAHHH!" See Exhibit A:

Pout Lip: Pick Me Up or Pay the Consequences.

In her defense, that fake grass was ridiculous.

We took her for her 6 month photos over the weekend. I could post a bazillion, but here's a few:

I always thought fake scenery was tacky. Until you put Mah Baybee in front of it. Then it's just: AWE! MAH BAYBEE AT THA BEEEEEECH!

(this was about 2 seconds before she tried to eat that entire prop in one NOM.)

As promised, a poop story...

We went to visit a friend who just had a smooshy little baybee boy. Olivia was on her best behavior, even after we got lost and ended up being in the car for 2 hours. Took a nap in a strange crib, entertained herself while we talked. It was great.

She was eating her last bottle before hitting the road, and she did the Grunts of Doom - poop for sure. So I picked her up and took my perfectly well behaved baybee over to the pack and play.

And then Someone says, "Is that what I think it is?"

And I turn around and see that one of the dogs has shit on the floor. EW! GAG! GROSSAROO!

And then Someone says, "Did the baby shit on the floor?"

And I'm all NOOOO! Not mah baybee! While I look disdainfully at the dogs, trying to pass of their shit for mah baybee's shit. Stoopid dogs.

Then I go to take off Olivia's shorts.



I shit you not, it looked exactly like this:

And then I died from embarrassment. I died and I'm writing this from beyond the grave. Mah baybee shat on someones floor.

But at least she is cute.

It wuz the dog, I swearz.


You can still win! I will pick the winner tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Still givin', just not right here!

Our living room furniture...
Leaves much to be desired.

Look! Bachelor pad furniture disguised with a Cute Baybee in a hat that looks a little bit like a fedora!

Cute Baybee grabbing my face and saying, "OH MY GAH, MAH! Stop using a TV tray as your end table! You can't call it temporary from moving in when you have lived in the house for FIVE YEARS!"

This table was nice. When my mom gave it to me. Ten years ago. Olivia: "Is this table vintage or what?"

GEEEEEEEEEE! GAHHHHHHHHHH! (General yell of dissatisfaction.)

I really do (sort of) have a point.

I'm doing a giveaway ON MY FANCY NEW REVIEW BLOG.
If you commented on this post before the edit, you are still entered to win. But hell, if you want to enter again on MY FANCY NEW REVIEW BLOG, I'll give ya two chances.
I'll pick a winner on Tuesday, August 25.
So go on over.
It's fancy!*

p.s.- I promise not to get all blog promote-y on you. Just a giveaway for fun. I will resume with the regularly scheduled bitterness Thursday after mah baybee's SIX MONTH well visit with a story about poop. (See? All back to normal.)

*Eh, it's not fancy.

Edit: Sweet baby Jesus!
I think that I pushed an important part of my brain out while giving birth. Maybe it stuck to the placenta and they didn't realize?
Anyway. I have a review blog, yay!

Six Month Post Saturday? Kthxbye.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

How to make your own baby food, you tree-hugging hippie freak.

I got this thing as a gift after I had Olivia.

It's the Beaba Babycook. It is so awesome that I didn't even know it existed. I didn't know it existed because I ride the culinary short bus.

I drive the culinary short bus.

So anyway, I got this Beaba Babycook as a gift and I was SO FREAKING EXCITED! And I kept thanking the person for the gift and saying, "I can't wait to use my Beaba! The Beaba is sooooo kewl! Thank you for my Beaba!"

Except I was saying Beaba like bee-ba.

Then my mom and I sat down to watch the how-to video on the Williams Sonoma site and within the first 10 seconds they say, "blah blah blah Bay-ah-bah babycook."

We laughed for no less than 15 minutes.
I like to think that my bus is at least pimped with big tires so that I can run people over when they tell me how fertile I am right now.

I have told a bunch of people that I will write a post about making baby food, but in all honesty I am totally ripping this off from my friend Dana. Who does not have a blog but should because her no bullshit approach to everything rocks my world.

You will need something to puree the food (blender, food processor, BAY-AH-BA, etc), ice cube trays, and freezer bags.

I will use peaches as the example, because you can pretty much make everything the same way.

I bought 3 peaches.

Cut them up into cubes and boiled in a small amount of water until tender.

I took the peaches out and reserved the water.

Pureed the peaches to the right consistency - using the reserved water to thin it out. Younger baby = thinner.

Filled two ice cube trays with the peach puree. Covered in plastic wrap and froze.

After frozen, dipped bottom of trays in hot water to make the cubes easier to release. Placed a few cubes in a freezer bag marked with the date.


When I was ready to use a cube, I took it out of the bag and microwaved it for 30 seconds.

So far, I've made green beans, peaches, and sweet potatoes.
I used organic frozen green beans and sweet potatoes.
I'm going to make butternut squash next.

A lot of people like Wholesome Baby food for ideas and recipes. Since I am normally wrangling a baby and using the Internet from my phone, I haven't had time to really look at the site.

Happy tree hugging!!

p.s. - Like my new header? Get one!

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Picture of Perfect Parenting

The easiest way to screw up your baby's awesome sleep habits is to talk about how awesome they are.

At the beginning of July, we were visiting with friends who asked about how well Olivia sleeps. Doesn't everyone? "Is she a good sleeper?" "Does she sleep through the night?" Because they want to know if your baby is good or bad.

If your baby sleeps through the night, it = Good Baby.
If your baby does not, it = Asshole.
Or that's how people kind of act about it, anyway.

In July? Olivia was clocking 12 solid hours of sleep per night. Not a peep for 12 hours.

I know what you're thinking! I do! Smug, smug Jennepper. Someone should really hit you in the face. Preferably with a fist. You are right, and nobody did, but I still have dark circles under my eyes because the very night I bragged to my friends about my TWELVE! GLORIOUS! HOURS! of sleep? The very same night? It turned into more like TWO GLORIOUS HOURS and maybe THREE if I'm feeling generous!

Bwahahahahaha! (That is you. Evil laughing. At me. Because I'm an idiot.)

And so we decided that this absolutely had to stop, and so we were going to let her cry a little bit. Especially because her bedtime routine consisted of 45 minutes of us feeding her and rocking her and shushing her and losing our damn minds while she alternated crying and smiling in our faces after we picked her up out of the crib.

Nothing more infuriating than a baby smiling at you, right?

The first night, I fed her, told her good night, and put her in the crib with a blankie. I left the room and she screamed her bloody head off. I intended to go back to her in 5 minutes, but she fell asleep after 4 and didn't wake up for 4 hours.

So we've been letting her "cry" which usually means about 2 or 3 minutes of whining, followed by 2 or 3 minutes of panting like a dog while she plays with her feet, followed by 5 or 6 hours of consecutive sleep. Her naps have even been really easy with the whole blankie and laying alone crap.

I'm sure I totally screwed myself just now.

Anyway, yesterday morning, Olivia was doing a little whiny, pouty cry that usually means that she will go back to sleep. And OF COURSE I ignored her because SLEEP TRAINING! GAHD! And she did fall back asleep.

An hour and a half later, when we had to leave to go to the babysitter, I went in to find Olivia sleeping peacefully like this:

Titled: Crib of Doom: Good Luck Living Through the Night, Olivia.

And so I did what any good mom would do.
I got the camera. Because, Blog.

I have labeled the photo for you, lest you miss any of the horrible, awful, really bad, no good, murderous things that I subject Olivia to every night.

A: Bumper. Because it's easier than holding a pillow over her face?*

B: The skirt that I accidentally tucked into the mattress pad like, I don't know, a month ago? And I stare at it every single time I feed Olivia and I think that it looks like shit but I HATE taking the mattress out of the crib and so I just stare at it and get mad because that sort of thing seems rational at 4 in the morning.

C: Blanket! Blanket! * dangles baby off of balcony *

D: Baybee Thigh. NOM.

E: Other leg, dangerously close to going through the slat. But we are sleep training so Just Deal With It Olivia, GOD, you freaking baby, what could you possibly be crying about now?

F: Bumper of death, not even tied. You know why? Because I found her playing with it the other day and I thought, "Oh hahahahaha! That is hilarious!" and so I left it undone because I am a really, really responsible person. And, you know, because giving her a toy would be almost too much work for me.

Not labeled: Belly Sleeping. The Devil. Wait - I think CPS is knocking on my door.

*OK, I don't know if that was too awful to type. But seriously? What is the big danger with bumpers? Especially once your preshus can move all around and, I don't know, stick her legs out of the slats of the crib?

Olivia slept TWELVE GLORIOUS HOURS last night. But I went in to check on her FOUR HUNDRED NOT GLORIOUS TIMES to make sure that she and all of her limbs were actually inside her crib.

Because if they weren't? I'd need to get a picture of it.


This weekend, I'm going to make a new food for Olivia to try and I will take pictures and write a post for all you sooper nice people who asked.
Also? I think you should know that Olivia ate an entire tablespoon of green beans yesterday and seemed to love them. We should have named her Sybil.

And for all you wiley Internetters who find me on FB...I love new FB friends - they make me feel pretty and popular! But can you give me a heads up when you add me? Like, hey, I hate your blog and now I want to hate you on FB, too? Just so I know you're not a random weirdo who wants to spam me with ads for breast enhancement products (because clearly I do not need them).

Monday, August 3, 2009

Talking is hard. Making baby food is not.

You know how sometimes? You want to say something? And you know that what you are saying may potentially offend your audience? Even if you don't mean for it to happen, it is inevitable?

And then said audience is probably all I DON'T CARE JUST STOP TALKING IN QUESTIONS GAHD!

For example, maybe someone has said to you:

I would never go as far as to do IVF.
My babies will be breastfed.
I would never settle for an induction.
I would never get an epidural.
I could never go to work and leave my babies with someone else.

Because people have said those things to me! And, you know, those are things that I actually DO. And of course you think, "well, what the hell is that supposed to mean?!" And then you can't help but take a little bit of offense, because HELLO?! I do ALL OF THOSE THINGZ!


I think store-bought baby food is nasty and I don't want to feed it to Olivia. And I'm sure someone out there is reading this as they shove a soft bite spoon full of Gerber peaches into the mouth of their teeny preshus. And they are totally thinking, "you stuck up snobby bitch!"

But seriously? I did IVF! And feed my baby that horrible poison formula! Via bottle! After I numbed my entire body during her induced birth! Just before I drop her off with the babysitter to raise her while I selfishly pursue my rockin' career!

The very least I can do is make her food - she clearly does not have much chance in this world otherwise.

So, I made the green beans, and we saw how well it went over (not well, incase it is unclear). I made about 25 servings for $1, so if she doesn't like it she can suck it - I'm going to keep trying.

But I decided to try peaches next.
Millions of peaches! Peaches for Livi!'re....delicious? Or...well, yeah, they're fine...I can haz oatmeal?

I made 25 servings of peaches for $1.47.

We pay $38/can for formula, so forgive me for getting totally hot and bothered over how freaking CHEAP this all is! And easy, too.

Now, just in case I offended you with my one tree-hugger type opinion, I offer you this:

How can there not be world peace when there are baybee thighs?! HOW?