Wednesday, January 30, 2008

We gots jokes.

Jen: Uuuuggghhh...I'm all barfy.
*stumbles up the stairs after running on the treadmill*

Mark: Why?

Jen: Uuuuuggghhhh, I don't know why, but I wish it would stop.

Mark: Maybe you're pregnant.

*Maniacal laughter*

....later in the day....

Jen: Damnit! I have a nosebleed!

Coworker: What?

Jen: Nose. Bleeding. Gross.

Coworker: Maybe you're pregnant!

*Maniacal laughter*

...later that night....

Jen: I'm so tired I want to die.

Mark: Maybe you're pregnant.

*Maniacal laughter; head explodes*

Monday, January 28, 2008

Dreading the conversation...

...that I need to have with someone at work. Someone being either my boss, or my boss's boss. About my vagina and our broken sperm and whatnot.

I was going to try to meet up with the head of our office on the 8th after my appointment, but it turns out that his calendar is booked solid until almost the end of February. Like, out of the office and out of town booked.

The way I see it, I have three options.

1.) Converse with my boss:

Me: Boss, we need to talk. I have a, um, situation...

Boss: No! Please don't quit! This place could not run without your inner wisdom and natural charm! *cries a little*

Me: No, nooooo...I'm not quitting, I just have to have IVF and miss a shitload of work! And you need to pay me for it like I was here! No reason to get all worked up! *passes him a tissue for he is a snotty crier*

Boss: Oh, whew! Please, take all the time you need. Actually, take your maternity leave, then ALL of your FMLA, then when you get back, we'll give you unlimited milk-pumping breaks and we will give you a raise and a million dollar bonus.

Me: May I also have a company car?

Boss: Yes, sure!

Me: This has been a good talk.

Pros: Obvious.
Cons: Maybe I'm being unrealistic?

2.) Be a little bitch about it:

Ohhhhh....I wonder if I could have my mom call my boss? Like, in elementary school when your mom had to call and be all "Oh, Jen has the runs today and can't come to school but she will maybe be there tomorrow." And your teacher was like, "keep that kid and her crappy undies away from my class."

Pros: I don't have to do anything. I like not doing anything if I don't have to.
Cons: I see no cons here.

3.) Do the sensible thing:

Get fired, go on welfare, smoke a little crack.
Surely then I will just get pregnant on my own without the help of science.

Pros: I'll get skinny, then pregnant, and won't have to work.
Cons: I hear crack is a tough habit to break.

As you can see, I am very busy weighing my many options.

Our policy at the office is that you don't have to take a vacation day for a doctor appointment. You just go, and come back if there is still time before your workday ends. Fine.

But I need to know if that applies if you have, oh, I don't know? 20 appointments, that are 35 minutes away from the office (one way) and that need to be scheduled with one day's notice.

I don't know, but I'm really glad that my RE is right by the mall because damn if I won't need a good shopping trip (or seven...teen) while this is all going down!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Giddy Up!

I have an appointment with Dr. Fabulous II on Thursday, February 7.

They never did call me, I had to call them. Then the lady told me that I was sent the application for women in need of an egg donor. However, it all worked out in the end and I have an appointment and ohmyfreakinggod FINALLY.

I took a vacation day for that day because they said to be there for 2-3 hours. So I have managed to so far avoid telling my boss about what is going on. I think I've decided to skip over my immediate boss, and just tell the head of the office. He's nicer.

You know, you want people to be nice when you're talking about your vagina.

I am so exhausted today. I feel like my brain is swolen and it has sucked up all of my wit and charm. I was feeling really good for a few weeks, then there was an unfortunate occurrence that knocked me on my ass for the past few days. I'll spare you the drama, but I'll just tell you I'm suffering from crying hangover.

I like alcohol hangovers way better. At least you puke and maybe lose a pound or two.

This post is boring, but it's an update!

Friday, January 18, 2008

Babies Bawl at Benihana

There aren't many times I am tempted to say this, but:
GAWD I'm glad I don't have kids!

Mark and I went to Benihana for Japanese food tonight. (It was good, but Tokyo House still holds my heart in its greasy little hands.) And there was a kid at the table next to us. Having a FIT. For, oh I don't know, 45 minutes? And everyone was just shooting daggars at their table. Truly, it was so irritating.

Chopsticks are sharp. It was downright scary at moments.

But seriously...what do you do when your child is screaming nonstop for several minutes in a public place? This little boy was probably 4 or 5. To me, it seems like his parents should've taken him somewhere private to calm down and brought him back.

Some mom-blogger is reading this and saying "stupid infertile idiot. what do you know about kids?"

I don't know anything about kids, so ha! And I had a nice glass of wine, flirted with my husband, and ate my dinner in peace (with the exception of your screaming child). Jealous??

OK, I have to go obsess over IVF now. ;)

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Are we planning to have kids?

Gosh, I really haven't thought about it. Hmm...

I kid.
I kid because I love.

Nothing is going on, and blah blah blah why the hell did I start this blog?

I applied to the Cleveland Clinic IVF Program. I dropped off my medical records on 1/11, and verified that they received the application. So now some doctor is deciding if we qualify for the IVF program.

They need to make sure we're worthy before they take our insurance company's $10,000.

And also, who the hell puts themselves through IVF if they didn't need it? Not me. No Suri Cruise.

At least the waiting gives me more time to prime Mark for the reality that he will have to give me a giant shot every day. He's afraid he might "get woozy."

I mean, I can see his point. I don't want to overwhelm him, what, with all the looking at porn in a private room and masturbating into cups he has to do already! I'm like a friggin slave driver over here! And he can't use lube! I'm not sure what this world is coming to. I'm expecting the divorce papers any day now.

I will bribe him with Mountain Dew and Peanutbutter M&M's. It will be alright, people!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Goodbye 2007...

You've been a real asshole and I won't miss you at all. I hope you get herpes and a severe UTI.

Hello 2008! How was your trip? Can I get you a beverage? A soft blanket? I'm sorry I wasn't awake to welcome you...I had a few too many tasty drinks and decided to go to bed. No hard feelings. Let's be best friends!