Adelle Sophia Knepper

Tuesday, May 29, 2012
12:06 p.m.
7 pounds, 15 ounces
20 inches
So far? Looking pretty healthy.
And cute.

If Peeing Your Pants is Cool, Consider Me Miles Davis.

Billy Madison?  Anyone?  No...?  Oh well.  Hey!  I'm nine months pregnant.  Which is, like, suuuuuuper pregnant in case you didn't know. 

I don't know if I got lucky when I was pregnant with Olivia or what but I loved that shit.  I could not get enough.  I wanted to go fully to 42 weeks, I felt so fantastic.  But my other two pregnancies have turned me into some sort of crazy miserable homeless-looking/smelling hag that is virtually unrecognizable.

First of all, I smell like pee.  Because I pee my pants a little all.day.long.  It started around 29 weeks and is going strong at 38 weeks 5 days.  This is amazing to me because I pee approximately 148 times a day and yet there still seems to be some amount of pee left to make me seriously consider a package of Depends on my next shopping trip.

Then, the swelling.  Not to be confused with The Weight Gain ZOMG.  I held on to a good 30 pounds from my last pregnancy, and I've gained just shy of 30 this time, which is fine.  I'll lose it.  But add that together with swelling and I look like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal.  I look in the mirror and it looks like someone added fake fat padding to my face and ankles.  I'm only 5"1' so, things are getting muy rotund. 

(I know how much some people looooove when pregnant people complain about being fat.  I also don't care.  I can barely move at this point.)

So anyway, the swelling was getting to be epic by noon every day, so I started to wear tennis shoes with my business casual outfits at work everyday.  I was, like, two pounds away from being a total mall walker.  And nothing says professional like a mall walker handling your official business.
Good thing I have been on maternity leave since the beginning of April.  You know, super high blood pressure and super swollen feet and a little bit of protein?  After you delivered your last pregnancy (identical twin, stillbirth, raging preeclampsia OH MY) with much drama at 32 weeks?  Will buy you maternity leave at 31 weeks.  It has helped, too.  My blood pressures and protein with more rest have been normal.  The swelling, though...not so much.

I'm fairly certain that my OB (who I love seriously) thinks that I am completely cray cray ridiculous.  I was telling him a month or so ago about my crotch pain, which I call Lightning Crotch.  You know, those horribly sharp pains that come from nowhere like someone is stabbing you right in your Lady Business?  A term which he found to be pretty funny.  He says that he is going to go on using the medical terminology which I think is stupid but, whatever.

It is hotter than hades in my part of Ohio right now, which is completely fun and awesome especially when I am down to one pair of pants and 4 shirts that fit.  My belly has dropped so low that, no matter what I wear, about 3 inches of my newly stretch-marked stomach (seriously, I had a TWIN pregnancy with zero stretch marks) hangs down and out in all its glory.  Yesterday, I had a desperate need to go to the store and buy fruit, I had to wear an old sun dress with yoga pants and tennis shoes.  And then I didn't even bother to fix my hair or look at my face because why bother, at that point.

So basically the message now that I'm full term is: GET OUT OMG GET OUT.  Yes, I'm glad to be full term with a pregnancy that required no sort of science, no I don't want a preemie or any NICU time, and insert whatever the appropriate disclaimer is for this statement but still.  GET.OUT.

I've had two days where I had ouchy but irregular contractions that got me all hot and bothered for the official baybee eviction but that ultimately went nowhere. I have a c-section scheduled for Tuesday morning which feels like a million years away.  Olivia wants to play with me nonstop and I am so uncomfortable that I can't which she doesn't understand because she is three and wants whatever she wants right goddamned now. 

(Which, come to think of it, I am acting very much like my three year old regarding this whole GET OUT thing.) 

Yesterday I ate 6 ice cream sandwiches.  Today I might eat 6 more.  I should stop buying ice cream sandwiches so that I don't look like Gwyneth in Shallow Hal.

I am ready to meet this baby.  Hopefully I don't eat it, too.

The Good Memories

When it became obvious that we would have to let Ainsley go, there was no question in my mind that I would hold her and be there for her and talk to her.  I had to.  I had to do this one last thing for her even though it was sure to be awful.

And it was.  Awful. 

I mean, she was as comfortable as possible and felt the least amount of pain possible.  A group of caring people were with us to make sure of it.  It was fast, because she was very sick.  She had very sick lungs. I had almost a year and a half with Ainsley and the part that is sticking with me are those last few minutes while I kissed her face and said goodbye to her.  I hate it.  I hope that changes over time, ya know? 

I basically took pictures and videos of Ainsley nonstop every time I was there.  Because she was funny and cute and I couldn't resist.  And now I am so glad that I did because every time I picture The Awful, I can pick up my phone and watch a happy Ainsley.  Here is one of the last videos I have of her.  She was cracking up just because I was cracking up.

I don't think people understand what it was like to be around Ainsley.  How could they, really?  The tubes, the wires, the equipment...it all looks very intimidating.  I didn't even notice the tubing anymore when I looked at her - it was as normal as a paci or something.  We could pick her up and swing her around and nibble on her cheeks just like any other kid. 

She was delayed, yes, but she was otherwise a very normal little 16 month old.  She was fun and played with toys and she was a flirt OH MY GOD, she was a flirt.  They would sit her in a stroller or exersaucer or even just on a mat on the floor in her doorway and let her interact with people in the hallway.  She would make people clap, or tell them no, shake her booty, or cover her face if she didn't know someone.

She got to play all day with a room and crib full of fun toys.  And everyone who came to see her smiled at her and played with her.  She had a fan club, almost literally, at the hospital.  If she wanted to sleep, she did!  If she wanted to watch a movie, she did!  She was just surrounded by fun and love all the time.  It is sad that she is gone, but while she was here things were fun and happy.  A lot.

This is the last video I took of her, that same day.  It is a pretty good one too - she smiles, laughs, dances,  sneezes and eats her own snot. 

I was looking through pictures and found a set of Olivia and Ainsley playing.  Olivia was playing with Ainsley's toys, and every.single.toy that she picked up, Ainsley reached her fat little paw out to take from her. 

So then Olivia decided to just watch a movie, but Ainsley kept closing the DVD player and then laughing when Olivia would protest.  It was so funny and to me it was just so...ordinary.  Normal.  Sisters getting on eachothers nerves. 

I think I need to remind myself that we did every single thing we could to make her life happy. It wasn't normal for most people, but to her it was normal.  Ainsley lived a good and happy life.

I don't know why I am putting this all this mess on mah blog because really it is kind of all over the place.

Interim Normal

There are a lot of hours to fill in a day when we are not splitting our time between Olivia at home and Ainsley at the hospital and work. We are just trying to adjust to what was normal a year and a half ago...or fill the time between now and when this new baby arrives.

Wii bowling.  In a bathing suit.
Totally normal.

Here's a little placeholder post to let you know that we are all ok.  And that we appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and kind words.

Ainsley's Memorial

Memorial calling hours will be held for Ainsley this Wednesday, May 16, at Shorts-Spicer-Crislip Funeral Home in Streetsboro.  Visitors are welcome from 5-8 p.m.

Location information and directions can be found here, as well as the obituary and the information to make a memorial donation to Akron Children's Hospital.

Thank you so so much for all of the comments, thoughts, prayers, and support.  We are still laying low but please know that we appreciate every one.

Peace for Ainsley

I can't believe that I am posting this...

Ainsley passed away early Saturday morning.   After almost seventeen months, her poor little body was just so tired from fighting  for so long.  We held her and kissed her and told her how much we loved her over and over until she left us.

The last time she was awake was Monday, May 7.  This is a picture of her from that day.  Happy as always despite her struggles.  This is how I will always remember her - my happy, silly, smiley little Ainsley.  My little meatloaf.



The sweetest, happiest baby.  Ever.

 

I am grateful for every minute I had with Ainsley and I would have sacrificed anything if it meant that I could have more time with her.  I guess I never really understood the saying, "Rest In Peace" until now.  No more sickness, no more struggle to breathe - just peaceful rest for our sweet girl, who deserved everything good and happy in this world.

 

She changed our lives in all of the best ways.