Friday, June 27, 2008

Out. Like the Fat Girl in Dodgeball

Also: My 100th Post!

I wish I had something more amusing to say right now. I don't.
We are leaving for our cruise at 6am tomorrow on a much needed vacation.

I will be eating for 3.
Mark will also be eating for 3.

Things in my uterus seem to be about the same. I'm tired, bloated beyond belief, and hungry all the time. NOT that I'm complaining. I'll be really excited if I get morning sickness (and that is sick, isn't it?)!

See you on the 4th!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Parking for Expecting Mothers Only

On Saturday, we took our dogs to the groomer and thus had about 4 hours to kill. We decided to buy a gift card at the grocery store (Fuel Perks!) and go out to an early dinner. As one would naturally expect, the grocery store was freaking packed at 2pm on a Saturday.

How many times has this happened to you? You are trolling the parking lot for an acceptable space, and as you race up a row you scout out a cherry spot - ripe for the picking! As you swing into the parking spot, you slam on your breaks and come to a stop in front of what might possibly be the most annoying phrase ever emblazoned onto metal:


Well, of fucking course.

Now before you get all pregnant pushing on me, I would like to point out that I get the basis behind the idea. I am sure it is a pain in the ass to walk from the parking lot into a store when you are carrying 30 extra pounds in your stomach. I fully get that. But I still think it's annoying, and I also think that Parking for New Mothers Only makes more sense, because it has to be hard to juggle a newborn, your purse, and the 20 pounds still left in your stomach after delivery.

So I get it. Pregnant people are delicate flowers.

Still fucking annoying.

And how does one define "expecting?" All infertiles are expecting to expect at some time, right? Wouldn't that make them expecting mothers? What about someone who pissed on her last pee stick at 7dpo and needs to drive to the store to get more. Is she considered expecting? How about me? I am full of liquid and gas that feels like a solid, and I am indeed pregnant (with a 27,000 beta to prove it), so do I qualify for parking in this spot? Must you be at 70 inches around the midsection to park there? So confusing.

But anyway, on Saturday. I slammed on my breaks when I saw the sign. And guess what?


I did it for me, and I did it for infertiles everywhere! I even have photographic proof!

I also suffered from the burden of moron management today. Click here to read about that.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Second Beta

Second beta was today.

Are you wearing a diaper? Because I nearly shit my pants when I got the number, and I have an exceptional sphincter, so I'm just saying...hold on to your shorts.

Beta #1, 15dp3dt: 964

Beta #2, 22dp3dt: 27,820

Just to verify that I didn't add a zero or carry an extra 1,000: 27,820.

At this point, you're probably wondering exactly what I'm growing in this uterus of mine.

My best guess? A Wildebeest.

My ultrasound would have been this coming Tuesday, but we will be on a Caribbean cruise all week. So it will be 7/8, the Tuesday after we get back.

But you better believe that I will be eating for at least three after THAT beta. HOT DAMN!

Here's how I'm feeling:

Tired. So very, very tired.

Bloated. So very, very bloated.

Nervous. So very, very nervous.

Hungry. So very, very hungry.

I bought a pregnancy book (smug, I know. I'm sure something will go wrong now that I've been so bold as to buy a pregnancy book) and it is kind of pissing me off. It is Your Pregnancy Week by Week.

First of all, they expect you to only gain, like, 3 pounds during your first trimester. Bitch whaaaaa? I gained 3 pounds at dinner tonight! And they are all, "Oh, you will be able to wear your normal clothes until, like, 14 weeks. Or else you are a total hoss and should step away from the refrigerator."

I'll just let you know that none of my clothes fit. I know I've been over this, but for realsies people: even the fat infertility pants won't button without a tub of margarine, a wing, and a prayer.

I read way far ahead, but got really bored at 26 weeks.

I think I'm a better infertile than pregnant person.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

So My Insurance Company Continues to be Fun.

I just love calling them.
In my beneifits book, it says to call and report a pregnancy within the first three months to ensure benefits.


Jen: Hi, I read in my benefits book that I should call within three months of a pregnancy, so I'm calling to let you know that I'm pregnant.

Empire: OK, great. Are you aware of your benefits?

Jen: Ummm...yes?

Empire: Where are you going to deliver?

Jen: I have no idea.


Jen: Yes, I have no idea. I have been pregnant for a week. So no, I haven't even considered where I will deliver because I'm too busy thinking about what I'm going to do with all the leftover tampons I bought and whether or not I should actually start eating entire sides of beef to keep this thing alive inside of me.

Empire: Well, I can't do anything for you unless you know where you will deliver.

Jen: OK, so you're telling me that all women who call you within the first three months actually know where they are going to deliver? That they call as soon as the penis is flacid and let you know that they just conceived just now and which hospital they will use, and also the sex and the name they have picked out?

Empire: No. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that we can't precertify an unplanned birth.

Jen: Look, lady. It says in my benefits book that I will be denied benefits if I don't call to report this pregnancy in the first three months. So write it in your little notes so that I can prove that I called because it says I have to, so that I don't get a bill for twenty thousand dollars. Mmmmkay?

Empire: You look. Call when you know where you will deliver.

Jen: I hate you.

Empire: I hate you more.

Things are boring here, really. To answer the questions from some of you in my comments:
We transferred two embryos.
The next beta is Monday, 6/23.
The ultrasound should be at 6 or 7 weeks. Probably when we get back from our cruise.
Yes, I still hate cotton balls, but I have to use them to remove toenail polish. I gag the entire time.
I will keep this blog going. It will take a turn toward the pregnant, though. Or whatever comes, I guess.
I did start another invite only blog, but it is lame and it is private and you're not missing anything. Trust me. All that's on there now is about 17 pictures of positive pregnancy tests and a ticker.
I'm going to wash a load of towels. Because my life is infinitely better than yours, a much much more exciting and fun.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Beta Beta Bo Beta

Banana nana fo feta!
Me my mo meta...

Yes, I had my beta yesterday. I had excellent intentions of posting it for the entire Internet to see. But first I called everyone, then I had a good (happy) cry, then I made dinner and promptly fell asleep sitting up at 7:00. I think we've discussed my inability to type while sleeping - and all I can say is I'm sorry! I'm working on it! Please don't break up with me!

And now you're all: shut up bitch and post your beta number GAWD! I know, I know. I'm obnoxious.

Beta #1, 15dp3dt: 964

My reaction to this report?

Holy shit - I am with child! Woo to the Hoo!

(Actually, this picture is like 2 years old, taken at Howl at the Moon on the night that I told my BFF Jelayne that she didn't know fuck about Cleveland, then peed on the side of the road with our other friend so she didn't have to go it alone.)

(Not sure why I thought you needed to know that.)

(Don't worry, it was dark and we were hidden by a car door. Nobody saw my Lady Business.)

(I think it is now time for an abrupt subject change, no?)

So anyway, all the same things are going on with my body. I'm exhausted, I'm hungry, I have period type cramps, still really bloated and my abs feel like I did a really rough workout. I think the ab thing is a symptom of the OHSS, but other than that, I'm feeling like I would normally feel the day before my period.

I would think I was getting my period if I didn't know I was PREGNANT! HEY-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Prometrium? I love it. I gave a more gruesome description on Redbook (click here), but I am enjoying them way more than the PIO shots.

That's about all I've got today. I am so tired that I slept in my car on my lunch break today using a bag of cotton balls for a pillow. I woke up with drool on my face and writing on my face that was stuck from the bag o'balls. That's pretty much how much energy I have for writing.

You guys are so lucky I'm contractually obligated to blog because DAYAM! if you had to miss out on this? Would be a tragedy.

One more thing: Thank you so so so much for all the comments! I'm not one for the cheese factor, but reading those comments made me a little weepy in a good way.
So thanks for all the well wishes, except that one anonymous asshat who left me a rude comment - sorry you're old and bitter.

Friday, June 13, 2008

So Much to Report to the Internet!!

So many things are happening!

First: I got my letter from the Cleveland Clinic regarding my frozen embryos.

Two were frozen at cleavage stage (day 3)
Two were frozen at morula/compacting stage
Four were frozen at blastocyst stage
In case you misplaced your basic math skillz: 8 FROZEN EMBRYOS!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy with this number that I practically tore off my own face. Now we have 11 total ice ice babies, a number that makes me squee just thinking about it!

My body is freaking the fuck out right now.

My abs are tight, like I just did 100 crunches. And Internet, you and I both know that the most exercise I've gotten lately involves lifting a fork to my mouth and moving the new heft that is my bloated abdomen. Moo.

OHSS? Not getting better. Still looking pretty pregnant. Or fat, I guess. I'm pretty uncomfortable but coping with it. I don't have one single pair of pants that fit around my massive girth.

Cramps. I haz dem. Like my period is coming tomorrow.

My butt is killing me. I feel like someone kicked my ass, literally. With pointy toe shoes. And steel toes. And a bad attitude. I've actually decided to quit the progesterone in oil shots and switch to the suppositories.

WARNING: If you will be starting the PIO shots soon, do not read the next paragraph unless you want to be horrified and terrified by my tale of woe. Just skip one paragraph, and don't say I didn't warn you.

OK, so last week when Mark gave me a PIO shot on the right side, my entire buttcheek went numb. It was numb for a few days, then turned crazy tingly and tender, like a burn. A few days later, doing a shot on that same side, I got the worst cramp in my hip that I've ever had - it went all the way down my leg and I couldn't stand up. It cramped for about 5 minutes and then slowly eased up. So yeah, not subjecting myself to that anymore.

OK - safe to read again without getting all scurred...

Hmmm....let's see, what else happened? Um, I got to pick up my car from the shop, and was so glad to get rid of the rental car that smelled like dirty feet and wet dog.

I made delicious BBQ chicken on the grill...
I painted my toenails a very cheerful pink...
I read two books...
And this also happened...

A beautiful, big fat positive pregnancy test at 12 days past 3 day transfer.
It's been a good week, friends.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Meet My Embryos

Aren't they just the cutest embryos you have ever, ever seen?

I think they look like me: lumpy and rotund.

Today I am 10dp3dt (10 days past 3 day transfer), or 13 dpo for you fertile folk. Acceptable testing range...right? If the embabies are behaving themselves, they are already snuggled in for the long haul right now. (fingers crossed!)

So the two week wait neurotic behavior? It Continues. I won't burden you with another time table, but seriously? The whole of my thoughts can be summarized as follows:

Should I test?
I am pregnant.
I am not pregnant.
I have cramps.
Need food now.
Have to pee.
Is it Friday yet?
Is it Monday yet?

My beta isn't until Monday. I want to call and ask if they will do it Saturday or maybe even Friday. But of course, I am afraid to ask. I don't know why I am so afraid of them. As a friend pointed out I am technically a paying customer.

I don't know - there is something about people in the medical profession. They make me feel like I'm 12 again and maybe my mom should be escorting me. I'm always waiting for them to ask me if I want to pick a prize out of the treasure chest for being such a big girl and taking the dildo cam like a champ.

But anyway, I know you already clicked the link and read my Redbook post (If not, here's your second chance: Redbook Post). I'm not much of an early tester. Usually.

I need an official vote:
To test or not to test? Why or why not?

Monday, June 9, 2008

My Neuroses: Let Me Show You It

3:32 am: Wake up. With cramps. Period is coming, I just know it.

5:25 am: Mark wakes me up. Have cramps. YES. Totally pregnant. Why else would I have these cramps? With this bloating?

7:48 am: Arrive at work. Catch glimpse of OHSS pregnant-like belly in window. Awwww!

7:49 am: Walk through revolving door. Catch glimpse of OHSS pregnant-like belly in window. Ewwww!

8:02 am: Pee

9:17: Pee

9:22: Google 8dp3dt. For kicks.

9:23: Holy shit, there are some real weirdos out there…Holy shit! People get positives that early!

9:24: I need to go to Wal-Mart on my lunch. You know, for important marriage related stuff. Like bread. And, you know, maybe some EPTs.


9:58: Pee

10:46: Pee. Damn Gatorade.

10:47: Wait! Pee…again…Hmmm…?

11:24: Lunch in six minutes. Could sneak to Wal-Mart for Pregnancy Tests.

11:25: Am totally going to Wal-Mart. Am totally going to buy a shitload of peesticks and maybe some of those delectable Hostess cupcakes that are brown with the white loopy on the top.

11:30: Chicken out. Read book outside and get sunburn in mere 20 minutes. Am white like chicken fat.

12:12: Could probably make it to Rite-Aid and back. No time for Wal-Mart, but Rite-Aid…

12:30: Am holding head high. Am free of the sticks for pee.

12:31: Pee. Wish I had a peestick. Or a steak. Or both.

1:15: Google Cramps after IVF. Am swearing off Google for the rest of the day.

1:17: Google OHSS.

1:19: Serously, done with Google.

1:20: Pee.

1:40: Did I wear deodorant? Not sure. * Pretend to stretch * Oh, yeah. I'm good.

2:10: Pee.

2:14: Woe! Am so not pregnant! This so didn't work!

2:16: Eat 23 Jelly Bellys from coworkers candy dish. Enjoy the coffee flavored ones more than is normal.

2:23: OMFG. I am so knocked up right now.

3:01: Pee. This is fucking ridiculous. Does walking to the bathroom count as cardio?

3:02: Since I exercised so much, I should get ice cream tonight. Or cookies. Or both.

3:25: Leave work early. Take car in to get estimate since some fucktard rear-ended us on the way home from the retrieval. (Sorry, Internet. I forgot to tell you.)

4:45: Get home. Narrowly avoid peeing pants.

5:00: Pierogies. Like a little slice of heaven right on my plate.

5:37: Pee.

6:35: Holding pee to finish this awesome blog.

6:36: Pee.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Friday, Food, and Friends: Trifecta

I've been having a bit of a bad week.


I am not bouncing back like last time - I'm in pain, I'm overstimulated, I'm bitchy. A trifuckta, if you will.

I blogged on Redbook about my rush to the RE office to check my abdomen because let's face it - I needed something to talk about over there! (Click here to read)

In addition to feeling like hell, I'm just down. It's June, and 2008 is half over. And I'm in the same rut. Same job, same DINK status, same pathetic complaints. The only thing that's different is that I'm fatter (thank you, fertility drugs!) and have more zits.

I was SO needing it to be Friday today, because I feel like I need to lay down all the time in order to feel somewhat human. So I picked up dinner (with chicken, for protein, which is supposed to help with the overstimulation) and came home to hang out with Mark for the weekend.

On the island in the kitchen, there was a giant box.

Here's what was inside:

A delicious cookie arrangement from Cookies by Design.


It came from my friends Mollie and Shila!

In this one, you can see the four delicious cow cookies (I know, because I tested one already).

This was at the top - You're Udderly Terrific

So adorable, and so true.

Mollie and Shila - THANK YOU SO MUCH! I really had a crappy week, and this was just the best surprise ever. You are both too sweet!

Other than being extremely uncomfortable, my two week wait has been pretty easy so far. Thats not saying much, though, since I usually save my extra special neuroses for week #2 of the two week wait.

The best is yet to come, apparently.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

INFERTILE WHORE: The Premier Issue!

Please note the part where I am touted as the blogosphere's latest model. Because how much more true could that be? (Well, maybe if it said supermodel.)

For the next issue, I'm thinking about a Demi Moore-esque photo of me. In the buff. With my faux pregnant belly. Maybe smoking a cigarette? Or chugging a giant bottle of $3 Boone's Strawberry Hill wine. I could pull it off. I look, literally, 4 months pregnant.

There's nothing more fun than looking pregnant, but not being able to get pregnant, but still desperately trying. And talk about SEXY! WOO! Mark is one lucky guy.

Pam made this cover for me, and I love love love it! Thanks Pam!

Today was my first day back at work, and I have to tell you: it sucked ass. I was totally uncomfortable, as my stomach has blown up like a balloon and my ovaries feel like grapefruits.

Not to mention, I spent my lunch break at the post office, preparing ebay items for shipping. It was empty, except the workers, me, and a lady with a baby.

In the post office.
With baby lady.

By baby lady, I mean the lady who answered every question that the postal worker asked her as if she were speaking for her baby. It was a cross between a deranged ventriloquist act and a reenactment of LOOK WHO'S FUCKING TALKING!

And I was contemplating the real meaning of "going postal."

Seriously. Here is an example:

Postal: Would you like delivery confirmation?

Baby Lady: (to the baby) Tell him, "We don't know, how much does it cost?" (while bouncing baby on hip and shoving her in workers face)

The only good part of being forced to witness this exchange is that I have another item to add to my "Things I Will Never Be Stupid Enough to Do If I Have Kids."

Will not use baby talk and ventriloquism in public. Ever.

What's on your "Things I Will Never Be Stupid Enough To Do If I Have Kids" list?

**Click here to read about my creation of INFERTILE WHORE

Monday, June 2, 2008

I'm Embryoated

You know, that is the one downfall of IVF compared to IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). When I had IUI, I could come home and declare: I'M SPERMINATED! But with IVF, the only thing I could think of was: I'M EMBRYOATED! And even I can admit that it just isn't as cool. (If you have better ideas, leave 'em in the comments. I'd be happy to steal your one-liners!)

Anyway, my transfer was fabulous. All my favorite nurses were working (except Sally, she wasn't there), and even my favorite ultrasound lady was there (I lurve you, Martie). The best part was the reappearance of Dr. OLGA and you know I can't resist...

This time, instead of skewers, she was armed with a soft, flexible catheter. I liked my chances of survival, if you know what I'm saying. And this time she was talking about the Sex and the City movie. I asked her how it was and she said, "Iz fairytale." HAHA!

Dr.OLGA! She's such a card!

My ovaries? Are gigantic. They are so big that they are touching - they meet in the middle of my abdomen. Martie said that they were kissing, and I thought that it figures - my ovaries are sluts.

It was a big relief to leave my transfer laughing and feeling good, since last time I left there ugly crying and popping Tylenol 3's like they were mini Reese's cups.

This time, I got my Valium. Took it about an hour before the transfer happened. I was all "Psh. Valium is bullshit." I didn't really feel any different.

Then I came home and took a 7 hour nap, then went to bed for the night two hours later. So maybe Valium isn't bullshit after all?

At my last fert report, we had 12 embryos between 2 and 4 cell, and 3 more that didn't divide but were hopeful.

We transferred 2 perfect 8 cell embryos, and froze 2 more. The other 8 of 12 are going to hang out to blastocyst and whatever looks good at day 5 will be frozen. The other 3 slackers did end up dividing, and so they are being watched until blast, too. I'm happy with that...I do hope we have more than a couple more to freeze, though.

While I was marathon napping, Mark snuck out and bought me Juno and The Office: Season 3. And maybe you don't realize how sweet that is. Because I am really, really weird, and have always wanted to watch things over and over again. When I was little, I watched Back to the Future every day for, like, two years. Sometimes twice. I'm like that with any shows or movies I like. So Juno and The Office will provide me with hours and hours of entertainment during bed rest and forever, really.

I'm off work until Wednesday and am planning to be a good little bed rester.