Possible Reasons Why IVF #1 Failed

There are so many questions with no answers when infertility is involved. I wouldn't be the first one to make the connection between the word if and the message board/blog abbreviation for infertility: IF.

Who says that sometimes an optimistic, gorgeous, prom-queen IVF just fails for no reason? I have many plausible ideas about what happened, and I know for a fact that at least one of these reasons has got to be true. You'll see – they're very rational, well thought out, medically sound. Brilliant.

 

My Embryos are Rebellious

I think that it's entirely possible that my embryos will have inherited a bad attitude and a problem with authority (from their father, surely). And the embryologist was probably, like, a total drag and was being all, "Stay in that petri dish, inside this drip of fake chemical fallopian tube liquid, and be quiet, and divide every day." Booorrriiinnng. Especially when the lab is directly beside an awesome mall and less than a mile away from The Melting Pot.

My guess is that my embryos, with their loose morals and authority issues, peer pressured a few other sets of embryos to head over to The Melting Pot for copious amounts of cheese and, knowing my embryos, probably a few of their delectable martinis. I mean, it's probably hard to implant when you're an embryo trying to deal with cheese and alcohol when you haven't even had a chance to form a digestive system.

I bet that if a detective ventured over to my infertility clinic and did a thorough inspection? He would find the microscopic holes where my embryos burrowed through the window on the way out to paaaar-tay. (Note to detective: bring microscope.)

 

My Uterus is an Undercover Badass

So maybe you remember the internal war of the worlds that occurred during and after my transfer. I think my analysis failed to uncover the major nemesis: my goddamned uterus.

See, my goddamned uterus appeared to be quiet and polite. Like one of those shy kids in school, who would be all well behaved during the day, but could be found on Friday night with a crack pipe and an oozie*, having unprotected sex with three under aged girls while flipping the bird. Except a girl. Because I don't think it's proper to make the uterus a boy.

My ovaries and bladder were making all kinds of noise, and hogging up all the space, and my uterus? Snapped. Started throwing 'bows to let my obese ovaries and bloated bladder know that she would not be having any more of this bullshit. So regardless of the embryo quality, there is no way that they could attach to a bow-throwing uterus, all while being hung over. And they were fat from all that cheese!

 

My Ass is Fat

I was talking to someone who had their IVF at the same time as me, at the same place (Hi Katie!), and she was telling me how the nurse was debating over the size of the needle to give her for the PIO (Progesterone in Oil, incase your Google is broken). The nurse was looking at her butt and trying to decide between a bigger or a smaller, saying she was right on the border.

There was no debating over my ass. I got the long needle, no questions asked, no looking necessary.

But I'm thinking that maybe my ass is so big, that I need some sort of industrial-sized needle to inject my PIO. What, with my fat drunk asshole embryos, and my gang member uterus, I need some serious progesterone to thicken up my uterine lining. And the needle, apparently, needs to be really long to get through the massive amount of fat stored in my ass region. Like, maybe if they make intramuscular needles for use in injecting orca whales? That might be long enough to get through the fortress of fat and into my actual, atrophied ass muscle.

 

*****

On a more serious note, I am actually doing an IVF cycle right now, and not just cracking jokes about it.

Wednesday I had a progress check and was a little disappointed. My follies aren't growing as fast as last time. I was pretty discouraged. They didn't want to see me back until Saturday, which to me screamed "UNDERACHIEVER!" I had 9 bigger follicles, all around 8 or 9 cm, and Estrogen was 293.

Today I had the follow up, and I felt better. I mean, I probably shouldn't use my failed IVF as the gold standard, right? Why would I judge the progress of this IVF cycle by that one when obviously it wasn't a perfect cycle. It didn't work. Anyway, I had lots of sizeable follicles, all around 12 or 13 cm. Estrogen is 1,214.

I go back on Monday for another check up.

 

*Apparently the correct spelling is uzi, not oozie. I like oozie better. So shoot me.**

**GET IT? GET IT? Bah ha ha!