According to my "perfect case scenario" I am 1 day pregnant on this very day.
Things I am going to do, now that I'm pregnant:
Park in the "Expectant Mother" spot at the grocery store.
I mean really, would anyone challenge me? I think I could make it work, especially since my father-in-law called me Miss Piggy the other day.*
Let my fat roll hang right out.
Why even try to suck it in? I'm one day pregnant, after all. Maybe I'll even invest in one of those shirts that says, "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant."
Eat 7 chocolate chip cookies after dinner.
Because the baby wanted them. Not because I am a total hoss.
Talk nonstop about my day-old pregnancy.
Loudly. In the lobby of the fertility clinic. In front of all the baby-lusters waiting for their daily meeting with the vag cam. Hoping they won't have to come back next cycle, and wanting to kill me for my obnoxious bragging.
Wear a Bella Band
Because seriously, you've thought about it. Don't lie. Who needs Thanksgiving Pants when you have a Bella Band? Clearly, I'd be wearing it because I am totally pregnant, and not because I ate 7 chocolate chip cookies.
Tell me: WHAT ELSE SHOULD I DO??
*Then promptly told me not to put it in my blog.**
**Pfft...like I wasn't going to blog that. Come on, now
28 comments:
Complain loudly and constantly about every physical symptom you are experiencing including the color, volume and pressure of pee and poop that you are experiencing, how fat you are now that you are pregnant and constantly rub your belly lovingly.
Well Denise (Freezer Buns) said she was 4 weeks pregnant the other day, and had to explain to me why! Does that even make sense? You're pregnant before you conceive?
You know, my husband and I are always joking about the minute I get a positive pee stick, I'm going to go park in the expectant mother spot at the grocery store!
And we talk about how stupid that is!
Tell everyone how tired you are, hold your boobs in public and say they're sore, and ignore people...when they catch on, quickly apologize and say you were listening to the baby.
Don't forget to loudly "complain" how big and sore your boobs are now.
decline offers of alcohol and smile secretively, but tell nothing!(I know, the opposite of many)
Definitely start rubbing and talking to your belly.
Let everyone cater to your every need.
Your DH should be typing for you now, dammit. (:
Here's another pregnant to do:
1. Because you are 1 day pregnant, go ahead and name the baby and make everyone it immediately refer to baby by its name.
2. You could be a total b!tch like someone on SAIF and put quads in your siggy, even though you are only carrying one. That reminds me, go ahead and put a ticker on your siggy on the Nest. 1 day = pregnant.
Okay, I'm finished trying to be witty. It's late! You're too funny as always!
What the hell grocery store do you go to in this town that has expectant mother parking? Hmmm. I might cash in on the frozen babies existence and start parking there.
Perhaps we should have a pre-IVF pre-party soon?
What the hell grocery store do you go to in this town that has expectant mother parking? Hmmm. I might cash in on the frozen babies existence and start parking there.
Perhaps we should have a pre-IVF pre-party soon?
I live in a small town. I got a billboard picked out for when I get pregnant. That should save me some time telling EVERYONE. Yes I'm pregnant.
You definately need to start telling everyone how your pants aren't fitting anymore (because of the baby, not because of the cookies). Tell everyone loudly how sick you are, how you just can't take one more day of this pregnancy, how you are soooo ready to just have this baby already.
As always, great post!
Don't forget to complain about your back hurting and your feet hurting and the nausea...
Ooh make your hubby get out in the middle of the night to get you something off the wall.
HAHAHAHAHA... this one gave me one serious case of belly laughter. Thank you. ;)
Go buy kitchy t-shirts about how "It ain't easy being queasy" and be sure to wear them everywhere you go. ;)
You should also totally eat pickles and ice cream, you know because every pregnant woman craves that. You shouuld also bemoan how much your boobs hurt, and how tired you are. Oh and how much you have to pee. Hopefully soon all this will be necessary! :)
LOL this is so funny. My mom asked me what my due date would be and before she got the question out I answered! So, I'm 8 days pregnant right now! :)
I think you should go register for baby stuff and tell all your relatives and coworkers where to shop!
You must go put your feet up immediately! In your delicate condition, there should be NO grocery shopping -even if you get to park in the expectant mother spot:) You must get a nest ticker immediately!
I found you through the redbook thing, and I'm loving you! Here's hoping you'll soon be 4 weeks pregnant and more!
OMG. That's hilarious. I love it.
Expecting Moms parking spot fer-sure! =)
ha!
You should wear granny panties (sorry, I mean granny UNDERWEAR, I know you hate the P word) because you're a mom now! Oh, and go to the bathroom every 5 minutes "just to make sure everything's ok."
I ate Taco Hell last night, right before I went to bed...why not? It could be the baby!
Make sure to tell everyone you come across that you're pregnant (especially when it's a female stranger)...oh, and ask everyone if they have kids of their own...oh, and the back pains, nausea, swelling...the weird cravings sounds good too (you're already craving pickles, right?:-))...
BTW, I part in the Expectant Mother's Parking spot when they're available...I mean, after all, I'm EXPECTING to EXPECT one day, so that counts, right?
Love it! I'm about 10 days "along" myself. Which means it's time to:
-Break out the cocoa butter stretch mark cream!
-Start researching "babymoon" options since me and the hubby will "never get a chance to have any time for ourselves again" (tee-hee)
-Start getting all self-righteous about my more natural-than-thou birth plans
-Demand that my husband venture out to the grocery store at 3am to cater to my wacky food cravings
-Buy nursery furniture immediately, because of course there is always a baby at the end
what a great post! You forgot to yell at hubby for no apparent reason and whining lots of whining!
I just wanted you to know that I am loving your blog. You are so witty, sarcastic, honest and entertaining (with such compliments you should hire me as your publicist!).
Oh and since you are 1 day pregnant change your vocabulary to only include terms of pregnancy as preggers and preggo (because saying pregnant just takes too long.)
And you should totally make sure to wear a shirt with a zany saying about your oven or bun or golden ticket or that you only wanted a 'massage'!
LOL! I never will get tired reading your blog. I'm sure to always laugh!!
Start leaving hubby suggestions for your "push prize"! Diamonds are always popular!
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