Filling Cavities on the Reg.

At the beginning of October, we had an audit at work. Which was awesome and fun and at the end of the week we all went out to lunch to celebrate its end.  The restaurant was across the street from a Famous-Around-Akron sign that caused the following conversation to happen:

Auditor: Wow, that dentist is torturing that patient!

Me: No, he's totally doin' her!

Your teeth will be clean,
But everything else will be dirty.

There are just so many possibilities here involving tools in mouths and filling of cavities and opening up...it is enough to drive an immature person insane.  Plus it is just so pretentious of that doctor to leave his coat on?  Prick (novocaine?). 
 
I had to have my wisdom teeth removed when I was in high school. Since I'm a huge giant baby I had general anesthetic. My mom was with me in the recovery room where I was apparently letting giant loud farts while still asleep.  I don't really know what that has to do with this sign but it's my most important dentist story to date.  Don't you love that we can share things like this?  I do.

I went to a new dentist who calls himself Matt (oh, aren't we casual!) and who basically told me that my teeth are totally jacked.  Jacked up jaw, I call it.  I have severe grinding damage and I had to get a $300 night guard.  Which is fine, except I wake up gagging on it in the middle of the night like some kind of freak.  And I know that Mark is not excited for me to add another odd behavior to me sleep repertoire which also includes odd conversations, full body movement, and sometimes hitting. 

I have this really amazing bug radar - if there is a spider within a 10 mile radius?  I will find it and promptly freak the fuck out.  The last time I went to see Dr. Matt (I called him that and he said, no, Just Matt.  OK, Just Matt) I immediately spotted a bug on the equipment at the end of the chair and asked him to kill the motherfucker.  He was all, sure!  Let me just fit this dorky mouth guard for you and then I will kill that little bug.  And then he proceeded to shove this thing in my mouth while my legs hung off of the side of the chair because HI, I'M AFRAID OF WEETLE TEENY BUGS, DR. JUST MATT! 

He found it to be funny.  Most people usually laugh at me when I try to be serious probably because I'm an idiot.

So anyway, I can't decide if I'd rather see Dr. Just Matt the spider enthusiast, or Dr. Do You While I Drill You at Valley Dental.  I'm guessing that my history of farting would hurt my chances for leaving with clean teeth and dirty everything else.

Just a sample of the difficult choices I am facing every day.